FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.

UPDATE:

Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.


The Bimp Browse

May 5, 2009
bimp-browse

That's not a Rumer.

Despite Bimp Bruce Willis‘s recent nuptials to the stunning Emma Heming, The Bimp himself was caught sneaking a peek at young starlet Kate Bosworth at an event on Monday.  Of course, Bosworth’s battled with the Bald and lost before in the stinker Superman Returns.

But who can blame the Bimp for browsing– he’s Bald, not blind!

——

UPDATE: Not the first time!

Mercury Rising...

Mercury Rising...

Striking Distance.

Striking Distance.


Joe the (even) Dumber

May 5, 2009
Plumbing the depths.

Plumbing the depths.

Is The Bald Wall going to have to revoke another member this week?  We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking).  But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block.  Via Huff Post:

Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

Buncha flags...

Buncha flags...

Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall.  Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here?  Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?

Beards.

Beards.

Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all.  Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards.  There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!

In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation.  The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor.  The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.

Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon.  Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention).  And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:

THE BALD WALL:  THE DEVIL

COMING SOON


“OBSERVE” and RETORT!

May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.


But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.


GOP Bashes Balds

April 30, 2009
-Snicker!-

(tee-hee-hee!)

First Democrat Joe Biden made some jokes at our expense.  Now the Gay Old Pervs are getting in on the fun.  Seems one Ohio Repub is in hot water for comparing a Bald pic of switch-hitter Arlen Spector with an equally Bald pic of Dr. Evil.  Quick… what’s funnier than Bald jokes?  Cancer jokes!

CINCINNATI (AP) — An Ohio Republican leader is being criticized for a blog post that used a photo of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, bald from chemotherapy, and one of the hairless Dr. Evil from the “Austin Powers” movies.

The webpage in question:

The photos drew charges of insensitivity from Tim Burke, the Democratic chairman in Hamilton County…  He sent a news release Wednesday with the headline “Republican Party Ridicules Cancer Patient.” Specter has battled Hodgkin’s disease.

[Hamilton County GOP Chairman] Alex Triantafilou …said Burke needed to “lighten up.”

The Republicans have never been big fans of minorities, and Balds are no exception.  But, as in many cases, they reached their nadir with former president George W. Bush, who never met a Bald he didn’t immediately proceed to noogie:

Bush gets some head from fellow Republican/homosexual prostitute Jeff Gannon.

...and again...

image_48597321984820-8027-019a0120Bush

bald05bald041bald02


The Bald and the Porn Star

April 29, 2009
Baldie Nights.

Baldie Nights.

Bald auteur Steven Soderbergh premiered his new film “The Girlfriend Experience” at the Tribeca Film Festival yesterday:

The scripted movie, which tells the story of a $2000/hour call girl juggling a boyfriend and professional demands, features porn star Sasha Grey in the leading role.

Despite the casting, Soderbergh’s film supposedly has no sex and minimal nudity.

Sasha Grey.

The new Bald muse.

But don’t let the movie’s purported lack of skin fool you:  Soderbergh’s Bald credentials are as solid as ever.  His new ingenue isn’t just some porn star he randomly plucked out of the jizz biz; she’s an existentialist film-buff and a former flame of Bald Waller Billy Corgan.  In the words of Kurupt, “And then I’m through with it, there’s nothing else to do with it. Pass it to the homie, now you hit it.”

This film just moved up 50 points on the Bald radar.  Watch the preview below, and visit the Huffington Post for more pics.

Will you be laying down your money for this “Girlfriend Experience”?


Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.

halle-berry-1-lg1

Stretch it out, Halle.


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