May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.

But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

Bald Who?

April 21, 2009

"What are you lookin' at, Zane?"


"My new job."

ABC’s “Samantha Who?” is trading out one Bald for another.  The inappropriately monikered “Hit-man” Timothy Olyphant has been replaced by the slightly-Balder and significantly-bimper Billy Zane.  Will Haired viewers even notice the difference?

And has anyone ever heard of this show before?

Bald Wall

March 30, 2009

The Bald Wall

The Complete Who’s Who In Bald Culturebald-wall

0000034809_20061021014847MICHAEL CHIKLIS

billy-corgan-thumb3BILLY CORGAN

dalai-lama-webreadyDALAI LAMA

vin-diesel-thumbnail1VIN DIESEL

502px-fred_durst_by_david_shankboneFRED DURST

colin-farrell-thumb1COLIN FARRELL



van-jones-thumb2VAN JONES

katzenberg_fea_2705_narrowweb__300x4000JEFFREY KATZENBERG


lex-luthor-thumbnailLEX LUTHOR

dr-manhattan-thumbnailDR. MANHATTAN


michael-cerveris-thumbTHE OBSERVER


kojaktelly1TELLY SAVALAS

che premiere 2 251008STEVEN SODERBERGH

britney-spears-thumbBRITNEY SPEARS

statham-thumbJASON STATHAM

patrick-stewart-thumbnail1PATRICK STEWART

tyson-thumb-grrMIKE TYSON


daddy-warbucks-thumbDADDY WARBUCKS

sig-weav-thumbSIGOURNEY WEAVER

bruce-willis-thumbnailBRUCE WILLIS

32558_billy_zaneBILLY ZANE