Bruce Willis Marries Hot Bikini Model

March 30, 2009
The Bald and the Beautiful.

The Bald and the Beautiful.

Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis married a bikini model more than 20 years his junior this weekend in the Carribbean, reports the Miami Herald.

The Bald Wall congratulates one of its most esteemed members, and invites all our Haired readers to TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!!!!

Bald Chaser.

Bald Chaser.

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Hollywood Hot for Bald Bruce

May 6, 2009
Boogie Bald.

Boogie Bald.

Has there ever been a better time to be Bruce Willis?  For some reason everyone from the Hollywood trades to the NY gossip mags decided to just spend some ink today raving about how awesome he is.  From THR:

A Star Is Shorn.

A Star Is Shorn.

Action stars may lose their currency as they move into their 50s. But Bruce Willis keeps on raking in the offers.

The star, who turned 54 last month, has been in discussions to shoot and fight his way through three action pics — a thriller for NuImage/Millenium titled “Inventory,” the CIA tale “Red” for Summit and the mob biopic “Scarpa” for Morgan Creek.

And NY Daily News says Willis has reached his “golden age”.  We must agree.  Though his long storied career has occasionally found him in some Hairy situations, His Baldness has come out on top, seemingly shaving the years off like so much scalp fuzz.

NEWS FLASH:  It’s good to be The Bimp.



EMMSCLUSIVE: Video of Emma Heming @ Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

May 6, 2009

-"Hello?"  -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

-"Hello?" -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

When Alpha Bald Bruce Willis picked Emma Heming out of a casting call on “Perfect Stranger” and married her out of nowhere in a whirlwind romance, few had even heard of the young lingerie model.  Media outlets scrambled for pictures of the Bald-loving beauty.

But when it comes to anything in the Willisphere, no one beats The Bald Wall to the punch.  We’ve unearthed a brief clip of the bride-to-be practicing her walk down the aisle in the 2001 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Brace yourself… for the Bimpress:

Run Emma Run.

Emma gaaawd.

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

*Click here for more Emma Heming!


The Bimp Browse

May 5, 2009
bimp-browse

That's not a Rumer.

Despite Bimp Bruce Willis‘s recent nuptials to the stunning Emma Heming, The Bimp himself was caught sneaking a peek at young starlet Kate Bosworth at an event on Monday.  Of course, Bosworth’s battled with the Bald and lost before in the stinker Superman Returns.

But who can blame the Bimp for browsing– he’s Bald, not blind!

——

UPDATE: Not the first time!

Mercury Rising...

Mercury Rising...

Striking Distance.

Striking Distance.


Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.

halle-berry-1-lg1

Stretch it out, Halle.


Half-Assie

April 12, 2009

Well, well, well. Vin Diesel’s got the #1 movie in the country, Bruce Willis has a Victoria’s Secret model wearing his ring, Bald is being declared “cool” in the papers, and all of a sudden everybody’s breaking out the clippers in a race to the bandwagon.  Case in point:

Some shallow-end pussy shit.

Her better half.

What?  You don’t recognize her?  Why, that’s pretty-girl-who-wants-to-be-a-singer-and-an-actress-and-a-princess Cassie, who decided to try and catch some of that current Bald Heat for herself…  but apparently thought she could get away with just a little on the side.

Nah, sister.  No matter what your Haired Svengali Puff Diddy thinks, you can’t just sample Bald.  You want to sell albums, you go all the way. Otherwise, you’re trying to play both sides of the court, and let’s face it:  you’re no Michael Jordan.

Via TMZ.

How To Be A Player.

How To Be A Player.

34 (That’s not to say we’re above posting a gallery of her.)


All-New Emma Heming runway pics (NSFW)

April 10, 2009
See Emma walk.

See Emma walk.

The Bimpress is back!  Enjoy these highly NSFW pics of Bruce Willis‘s blushing bride strutting her stuff at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.


BIMPWATCH: The Bimp Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award

April 6, 2009
Beauty and The Bimp.

Beauty and The Bimp.

Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis (a.k.a. The Bimp) was honored this weekend with the Sonoma International Film Festival’s Lifetime Achievement Award for his roles in Bald classics like “Pulp Fiction”, “12 Monkeys”, and “Live Free or Die Haired”.

Baldsploitation.

Baldsploitation.

"So I'm thinking about shaving it off for Fight Club, but I don't know...  what do you think?"

"So I'm thinking about shaving it off for Fight Club..." "Do it, kid."

It was also the Bimp’s first public appearance with Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming since the two tied the knot — and as usual, the nubile newlywed was looking hot enough to put sweat on your scalp!

Skin is in.

Skin is in.


THE BALD WALL: VIN DIESEL

April 2, 2009
This picture is hilarious.
The Bald Stallone.
i-am-legend-20071022044404088-000

Will Smith.

bruce-willis-live-free-or-die-harder

Bruce Willis.

Jason Statham.

Jason Statham.

The guy who played Hitman.

The "Hitman" guy.

If there’s anything the 2000’s have taught Hollywood, it should be this:  America likes our action heroes Bald.  British Bald Jason Statham has racked up an impressive stream of moneymakers, while established actors like Will Smith and Bruce Willis found their biggest audiences in years with Bald-centric actioneers.

This wasn’t always the case.

In the 20th Century, Balds in cinema were relegated to supporting roles at best.  They were either clumsy doofuses or diabolical villains — and sometimes both.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

Balds couldn’t take these negative stereotypes lying down.  Taking a cue from their African-American brothers, Balds in the 1970’s produced gritty Baldsploitation filmmaking that showed Balds could not only play Leads, but be just as heroic, badass, and sexual as their Haired counterparts.  But their budgets were no match for a Hairobsessed Hollywood, and despite their valiant efforts, Balds would spend the next thirty years continuing to play clowns, freaks, and Nazis.

And then in 2001, the world changed forever.

A Breakthrough Bald arrived who shattered Hollywood’s glass ceiling.  A Bald who broke the unwritten rule that action stars must have Hair, no matter how fake.

His name was Mark Sinclair Vincent.  But the world knows him better as Vin Diesel.

InVincible.

InVincible.

2001’s “The Fast And The Furious” is a landmark film in Bald Culture.  In a vein similar to “The Defiant Ones” before it, “TFATF” tells the story of a Haired man forced by circumstance into an uneasy friendship with a Bald man, and how it opens the Haired man’s mind and changes his worldview.

"He's just like me!"

"Why... he's no different than I."

Paul Walker plays the penultimate Hair, his blond highlit locks glowing with privilege and entitlement, who goes undercover to arrest his Bald target.  But once they meet, he finds that Balds aren’t so different from Hairs after all…  in fact, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.

As the Bald Dom Torreto, Vin Diesel knows his way around an engine (and a woman).  And when the time comes for Paul Walker to bring him in, the hesitant Hair can’t bring himself to do it.  He  lets his Bald brother ride off into freedom rather than turn him over to a corrupt system that would put him away just for the smoothness of his scalp.

The critically-acclaimed film became an out-of-nowhere blockbuster that suggested relations between Hairs and Balds had mellowed from previous generations.  The studio heads took notice, and with dollar signs in their eyes, they decided to make a big bet on Bald.

A New Breed of Action Star.

A "New Breed" of Action Star.

Was the musclebound Diesel strong enough to carry a movie on his own, despite having no Hair? The world eagerly awaited the answer as production began on “xXx”.

I guess.

The Year 2002.

Adopting the formula of the Baldsploitation movies he saw as a boy, and adding a huge studio budget behind it, Vin Diesel created a Bald uberhero for the Mountain Dew generation in an attempt to cement his legacy as The Bald Stallone.  It worked.  When the receipts came in, the new reality was official:  “xXx” made $$$, and suddenly Bald equaled Box Office.

And for a glorious and short-lived moment, Vin Diesel was on top of the world.

The Hairs wouldn’t let him stay there for long.

A big Bald target.

A big Bald target.

The pressure of surviving as a Bald man in a Haired industry did not leave Diesel unscathed.  Baldism was alive and well in Tinseltown, and Diesel’s success only stoked the flames in the hearts of his Haired haters.

Rock bottom.

Rock bottom.

The campaign to destroy him began.  They started inexplicable rumors that he was gay.  They convinced the industry that he was overhyped.  And they dumped him from the “Furious” sequel when he asked to be paid the same amount as  Haired action stars.  After some years in the wilderness, with a string of flops and misfires culminating in the nadir of “Find Me Guilty” (where a desperate and confused Diesel succumbed to wearing a hairpiece), Diesel learned a valuable lesson:  “dance with the ones who brung ‘ya'”.   In 2009’s “Fast and Furious”, he returned to form in the role that made him a star… and proved to Hollywood that Balds mean business.

See “Fast And Furious” in theaters this weekend!

Vindicated.

Vindicated.

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


Megan Fox Shaves Her Head BALD!

April 1, 2009
Jennifer's Baldy.

Jennifer's Baldy.

Who’s that girl?

None other than sultry “Transformers 2” actress Megan Fox, who revealed her newly bald pate last night at the premiere for Seth Rogen laffer “Observe And Report“.

The sexy siren shaved her head for an upcoming role in Fox 2000’s remake of “Alien Nation“.  The original 1988 science fiction film about a family of aliens trying to adapt to earthly suburban life was a smart allegory about racism and sexism, and spawned an acclaimed television series which only ran for one season but has since become a cult classic.  In the new film, Fox will play alien Susan Francisco, a “Newcomer” who lobbies for the right to vote.

And speaking of newcomers…  welcome to the club, Megan!

UPDATE:  APRIL FOOLS!


ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES:

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606*Click here to see Vin Diesel‘s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

*Click here for Bruce Willis‘s Victoria’s Secret vixen Emma Heming!

34 *Click here for half-assed head-shaver Cassie Ventura!


Bimp (noun): Bald Pimp

April 1, 2009
The Bimp.

The Bimp.

Is Bruce Willis the coolest Bald of all?  We knew he had married a sexy young swimsuit model over the weekend, but now reports are coming in on exactly how an Alpha Bald picks out his bride:

BRUCE Willis, 54, and his new wife, Emma Heming, 30, didn’t meet through friends, as his pals have insisted in fact, the superstar actor hand-picked her as a perfect stranger.

Emma Hemming.

Emma Heming.

An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”

At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.

Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”

The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.

Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.

Wow.

Alpha Bald doesn’t even do this man justice anymore.

Big Bimpin'.

Big Bimpin'.

Name a Haired man (that doesn’t start with the prefix “Al-“) who can order up a bevy of bodacious beauties to be paraded before him for his choosing like this.  Not since Imhotep has any Bald weilded such commanding authority in the pursuit of his lustful whims.  Bruce Willis may not be the most powerful Bald in the universe, but when it comes to the opposite sex, this groundbreaking Baldbanger is blazing trails few Balds have ever traveled.

Thus the invention of a new term is in order:  Bimp. Definition?  Bald Pimp.  Synonym?  Bruce f&%kin’ Willis.

Hats off to you, sir.

You have chosen...  wisely.

You have chosen... wisely.

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

*Click here for more Emma Heming!


Bald Wall

March 30, 2009

The Bald Wall

The Complete Who’s Who In Bald Culturebald-wall

0000034809_20061021014847MICHAEL CHIKLIS

billy-corgan-thumb3BILLY CORGAN

dalai-lama-webreadyDALAI LAMA

vin-diesel-thumbnail1VIN DIESEL

502px-fred_durst_by_david_shankboneFRED DURST

colin-farrell-thumb1COLIN FARRELL

gandhi-thumbGANDHI

JOE THE PLUMBER

van-jones-thumb2VAN JONES

katzenberg_fea_2705_narrowweb__300x4000JEFFREY KATZENBERG

lost-terry-oquinnLOCKE

lex-luthor-thumbnailLEX LUTHOR

dr-manhattan-thumbnailDR. MANHATTAN

morpheus-thumb1MORPHEUS

michael-cerveris-thumbTHE OBSERVER

satan-thumbSATAN

kojaktelly1TELLY SAVALAS

che premiere 2 251008STEVEN SODERBERGH

britney-spears-thumbBRITNEY SPEARS

statham-thumbJASON STATHAM

patrick-stewart-thumbnail1PATRICK STEWART

tyson-thumb-grrMIKE TYSON

voldo-thumbVOLDO

daddy-warbucks-thumbDADDY WARBUCKS

sig-weav-thumbSIGOURNEY WEAVER

bruce-willis-thumbnailBRUCE WILLIS

32558_billy_zaneBILLY ZANE

MORE TO COME…


PALOMA JIMENEZ GALLERY

January 1, 2000

Samuel Jackson Cinematheque Award ArrivalsPALOMA JIMENEZ

AGE:  24

OCCUPATION:  Model

MARRIED TO:  Vin Diesel

PHOTO GALLERY:

paloma-jimenez_450x637000x0432x6121000000050890-paloma_jimenez-fullsize000000121738-paloma_jimenez-fullsize3

000000104323-paloma_jimenez-fullsize000000104324-paloma_jimenez-fullsize000000104325-paloma_jimenez-fullsizepaloma_jimenez_3palomamx3

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

Click here to see Bruce Willis‘ bodacious bride Emma Heming!


EMMA HEMING GALLERY

January 1, 2000

bruce-emma2 EMMA HEMING

AGE:  30

OCCUPATION:  Actress/model

MARRIED TO:  Bruce Willis, a.k.a. The Bimp

PHOTO GALLERY:

023032031025026018029000000128657-emma_heming-fullsize1010017019028000000128650-emma_heming-fullsize000000050777-emma_heming-fullsizeemma_5002387273772_8fb61a6f391emmahemingcom_4890bc09db159nn_emma_heming0071emma-heming-370a050908-061emma-heming-370a050908-07w020080501398030832025emma-vic-secret

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin Diesel‘s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


BALD SPOT: The Bimp & Bimpress Arrive at the Ball

May 6, 2009
Bounce light.

Bounce light.

SPOTTEDThe Bimp and his bethrothed arrive for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala in New York, looking positively Emmaculate!

The Head carpet treatment.

The Head carpet treatment.


Mario Jumps on the Baldwagon; Berry right behind

April 22, 2009

Following in the footsteps of his R&B peer Cassie, “Braid My Hair” singer Mario did an about face this week and took the clippers down to zero:

Mario Bros.

Mario Bros.

What do you think?  Is Mario the next Britney, or just another celeb jumping on the Baldwagon?

Berrah Fawcett.

Berrah Fawcett.

Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft.  The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.

What’s the deal?  Are all these people just trying to sleep with Emma Heming?

Via Singersroom.


Bald Is Back: “Fast And Furious” Breaks B.O. Records

April 5, 2009
Back and Balder than ever.

ReVinge is a dish best served Bald.

All of Hollywood is pulling their Hair out today trying to figure out how “Fast And Furious” made a record-smashing $72 million over the weekend.  But we here at the Bald Wall weren’t surprised at all.  When you look at these other record-breaking debuts, a pattern clearly emerges:

xxx-225x300

“xXx” –  $46 million

bruce-willis-thumbnail

“Live Free or Die Hard” –   $48.3 million (most successful “Die Hard” in the series)

kevin-spacey-thumb“Superman Returns” –  $53.5 million

dr-manhattan-thumbnail“Watchmen” –  $55.2 million

imhotep“The Mummy Returns” –   $70.1 million

dr-evil“Austin Powers in Goldmember” –  $73 million

will-smith-thumb-1‘I Am Legend” –  $77.2 million  (highest December opening weekend ever)

morpheus-thumb“The Matrix Reloaded” –  $91.8 million  (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)

patrick-stewart-thumb-1“X-Men:  The Last Stand” –  $107 million  (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)

Get the message, Hairywood.  Bald puts butts in the seats.  Better start expanding theaters for Crank 2 while you can.

And a hard-earned standing ovation to Bald Wall member Vinny D!!!

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


Bimp Palace Goes Up In Flames

April 1, 2009
Just a reminder:  Balds should always wear sunblock.

Just a reminder: Balds should always wear sunblock.

It’s hard out there for a Bimp.  Just when you’ve selected your favorite Victoria’s Secret model to marry and the future’s looking positively peachy, your Idaho ski lodge burns to the ground in a blaze. Luckily Willis escaped without injury.

Our hearts and prayers go out to The Bimp and his bride.  If you’d like to donate money to the Willises to help them rebuild, click here.


A Bald Affair To Remember

March 30, 2009
When I was 33... it was a very good year...

"When I was 33... it was a very good year..."

Oops! ...I Did It With Fred Durst

Oops! ...I Did Fred Durst

Fred Durst is known for constantly reminiscing on the early 2000’s with a glisten in his eye.  In this week’s People, Durst recalls with fondness his 2003 affair with fellow Bald Britney Spears:

“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since.  (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”

Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too).  Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.

Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste.  Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist.  It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards.  As they say, “Once you go Bald…”