The Bald Wall congratulates one of its most esteemed members, and invites all our Haired readers to TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!!!!
Has there ever been a better time to be Bruce Willis? For some reason everyone from the Hollywood trades to the NY gossip mags decided to just spend some ink today raving about how awesome he is. From THR:
Action stars may lose their currency as they move into their 50s. But Bruce Willis keeps on raking in the offers.
The star, who turned 54 last month, has been in discussions to shoot and fight his way through three action pics — a thriller for NuImage/Millenium titled “Inventory,” the CIA tale “Red” for Summit and the mob biopic “Scarpa” for Morgan Creek.
And NY Daily News says Willis has reached his “golden age”. We must agree. Though his long storied career has occasionally found him in some Hairy situations, His Baldness has come out on top, seemingly shaving the years off like so much scalp fuzz.
NEWS FLASH: It’s good to be The Bimp.
When Alpha Bald Bruce Willis picked Emma Heming out of a casting call on “Perfect Stranger” and married her out of nowhere in a whirlwind romance, few had even heard of the young lingerie model. Media outlets scrambled for pictures of the Bald-loving beauty.
But when it comes to anything in the Willisphere, no one beats The Bald Wall to the punch. We’ve unearthed a brief clip of the bride-to-be practicing her walk down the aisle in the 2001 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Brace yourself… for the Bimpress:
*Click here for more Emma Heming!
Despite Bimp Bruce Willis‘s recent nuptials to the stunning Emma Heming, The Bimp himself was caught sneaking a peek at young starlet Kate Bosworth at an event on Monday. Of course, Bosworth’s battled with the Bald and lost before in the stinker Superman Returns.
But who can blame the Bimp for browsing– he’s Bald, not blind!
UPDATE: Not the first time!
THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!
As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.
Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already. Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).
If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real. But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.
Well, well, well. Vin Diesel’s got the #1 movie in the country, Bruce Willis has a Victoria’s Secret model wearing his ring, Bald is being declared “cool” in the papers, and all of a sudden everybody’s breaking out the clippers in a race to the bandwagon. Case in point:
What? You don’t recognize her? Why, that’s pretty-girl-who-wants-to-be-a-singer-and-an-actress-and-a-princess Cassie, who decided to try and catch some of that current Bald Heat for herself… but apparently thought she could get away with just a little on the side.
Nah, sister. No matter what your Haired Svengali Puff Diddy thinks, you can’t just sample Bald. You want to sell albums, you go all the way. Otherwise, you’re trying to play both sides of the court, and let’s face it: you’re no Michael Jordan.
(That’s not to say we’re above posting a gallery of her.)
Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis (a.k.a. The Bimp) was honored this weekend with the Sonoma International Film Festival’s Lifetime Achievement Award for his roles in Bald classics like “Pulp Fiction”, “12 Monkeys”, and “Live Free or Die Haired”.
It was also the Bimp’s first public appearance with Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming since the two tied the knot — and as usual, the nubile newlywed was looking hot enough to put sweat on your scalp!
If there’s anything the 2000’s have taught Hollywood, it should be this: America likes our action heroes Bald. British Bald Jason Statham has racked up an impressive stream of moneymakers, while established actors like Will Smith and Bruce Willis found their biggest audiences in years with Bald-centric actioneers.
This wasn’t always the case.
Balds couldn’t take these negative stereotypes lying down. Taking a cue from their African-American brothers, Balds in the 1970’s produced gritty Baldsploitation filmmaking that showed Balds could not only play Leads, but be just as heroic, badass, and sexual as their Haired counterparts. But their budgets were no match for a Hair–obsessed Hollywood, and despite their valiant efforts, Balds would spend the next thirty years continuing to play clowns, freaks, and Nazis.
And then in 2001, the world changed forever.
A Breakthrough Bald arrived who shattered Hollywood’s glass ceiling. A Bald who broke the unwritten rule that action stars must have Hair, no matter how fake.
His name was Mark Sinclair Vincent. But the world knows him better as Vin Diesel.
2001’s “The Fast And The Furious” is a landmark film in Bald Culture. In a vein similar to “The Defiant Ones” before it, “TFATF” tells the story of a Haired man forced by circumstance into an uneasy friendship with a Bald man, and how it opens the Haired man’s mind and changes his worldview.
Paul Walker plays the penultimate Hair, his blond highlit locks glowing with privilege and entitlement, who goes undercover to arrest his Bald target. But once they meet, he finds that Balds aren’t so different from Hairs after all… in fact, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.
As the Bald Dom Torreto, Vin Diesel knows his way around an engine (and a woman). And when the time comes for Paul Walker to bring him in, the hesitant Hair can’t bring himself to do it. He lets his Bald brother ride off into freedom rather than turn him over to a corrupt system that would put him away just for the smoothness of his scalp.
The critically-acclaimed film became an out-of-nowhere blockbuster that suggested relations between Hairs and Balds had mellowed from previous generations. The studio heads took notice, and with dollar signs in their eyes, they decided to make a big bet on Bald.
Adopting the formula of the Baldsploitation movies he saw as a boy, and adding a huge studio budget behind it, Vin Diesel created a Bald uberhero for the Mountain Dew generation in an attempt to cement his legacy as The Bald Stallone. It worked. When the receipts came in, the new reality was official: “xXx” made $$$, and suddenly Bald equaled Box Office.
And for a glorious and short-lived moment, Vin Diesel was on top of the world.
The Hairs wouldn’t let him stay there for long.
The pressure of surviving as a Bald man in a Haired industry did not leave Diesel unscathed. Baldism was alive and well in Tinseltown, and Diesel’s success only stoked the flames in the hearts of his Haired haters.
The campaign to destroy him began. They started inexplicable rumors that he was gay. They convinced the industry that he was overhyped. And they dumped him from the “Furious” sequel when he asked to be paid the same amount as Haired action stars. After some years in the wilderness, with a string of flops and misfires culminating in the nadir of “Find Me Guilty” (where a desperate and confused Diesel succumbed to wearing a hairpiece), Diesel learned a valuable lesson: “dance with the ones who brung ‘ya'”. In 2009’s “Fast and Furious”, he returned to form in the role that made him a star… and proved to Hollywood that Balds mean business.
See “Fast And Furious” in theaters this weekend!
Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!
Who’s that girl?
The sexy siren shaved her head for an upcoming role in Fox 2000’s remake of “Alien Nation“. The original 1988 science fiction film about a family of aliens trying to adapt to earthly suburban life was a smart allegory about racism and sexism, and spawned an acclaimed television series which only ran for one season but has since become a cult classic. In the new film, Fox will play alien Susan Francisco, a “Newcomer” who lobbies for the right to vote.
And speaking of newcomers… welcome to the club, Megan!
UPDATE: APRIL FOOLS!
ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES:
BRUCE Willis, 54, and his new wife, Emma Heming, 30, didn’t meet through friends, as his pals have insisted in fact, the superstar actor hand-picked her as a perfect stranger.
An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made withtwo years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”
At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.
Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”
The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.
Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.
Alpha Bald doesn’t even do this man justice anymore.
Name a Haired man (that doesn’t start with the prefix “Al-“) who can order up a bevy of bodacious beauties to be paraded before him for his choosing like this. Not since Imhotep has any Bald weilded such commanding authority in the pursuit of his lustful whims. Bruce Willis may not be the most powerful Bald in the universe, but when it comes to the opposite sex, this groundbreaking Baldbanger is blazing trails few Balds have ever traveled.
Thus the invention of a new term is in order: Bimp. Definition? Bald Pimp. Synonym? Bruce f&%kin’ Willis.
Hats off to you, sir.
*Click here for more Emma Heming!
The Bald Wall
The Complete Who’s Who In Bald Culture
MORE TO COME…
Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft. The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.
What’s the deal? Are all these people just trying to sleep with Emma Heming?
All of Hollywood is pulling their Hair out today trying to figure out how “Fast And Furious” made a record-smashing $72 million over the weekend. But we here at the Bald Wall weren’t surprised at all. When you look at these other record-breaking debuts, a pattern clearly emerges:
“xXx” – $46 million
“Live Free or Die Hard” – $48.3 million (most successful “Die Hard” in the series)
“The Mummy Returns” – $70.1 million
“Austin Powers in Goldmember” – $73 million
‘I Am Legend” – $77.2 million (highest December opening weekend ever)
“The Matrix Reloaded” – $91.8 million (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)
“X-Men: The Last Stand” – $107 million (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)
Get the message, Hairywood. Bald puts butts in the seats. Better start expanding theaters for Crank 2 while you can.
Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!
It’s hard out there for a Bimp. Just when you’ve selected your favorite Victoria’s Secret model to marry and the future’s looking positively peachy, your Idaho ski lodge burns to the ground in a blaze. Luckily Willis escaped without injury.
Our hearts and prayers go out to The Bimp and his bride. If you’d like to donate money to the Willises to help them rebuild, click here.
“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since. (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”
Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too). Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.
Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste. Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist. It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards. As they say, “Once you go Bald…”