THE BALD WALL: JASON STATHAM?

April 21, 2009

That’s right, that is a question mark at the end of our headline.  Why?  Because we aren’t quite sure whether Jason Statham IS Bald.

Is he or isn't he?

Is he or isn't he?

What do you call this?  Certainly he can’t walk amongst the Haired as one of them — their full languid locks are a world away from his close cropped fuzz.

Yet, said fuzz IS there, undeniably.  Sure, the average passerby might glance in Statham’s direction and see a Bald, but closer inspection reveals a fine layer of compromise surrounding his cranium.  If the S.S. ever came to take the Balds away, Statham could point at his fuzz and say “Not me, mate– I’m a Hair”.  But until then, he is perfectly happy being mistaken as a Bald and building a career off the ensuing heat.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

This is Faux Baldness, whether we like to admit it or not.  And we don’t.  Most Balds will readily admit to being huge fans of Statham and his punchy pictures.  And clearly he’s been happy to ride our fandom all the way to the bank.  But though his films have brought joy to Balds everywhere and in a subconscious way we have taken him under our wing as one of our own (at least in comparison to Haired action stars like Tom Cruise), we must face the truth and admit that Jason Statham is neither Hair nor there.  It is clear he sees himself as a badass Bald like Michael Chiklis or the Bimp.  But despite his dreams of Bimpness, something prevents him from grabbing the razor and going all the way.

There is a term for this kind of person.

Jason Statham is a WannaBald.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

The best we here at the Bald Wall can offer him is an HDM:  an honorable dishonorable mention.  Yes, he has brought us some added toughness in the mind of the public, and yes, his successes reflect well on all of us, but that reflection is not coming off of a clear, shiny scalp — instead, it is a reflection tainted and refracted in a weird distorted “Natural Born Killers” way by a myriad of patchy Hairs so tiny and yet so clearly vital to their owner’s self-image.  No matter how much we welcome him into our arms, Jason Statham will always keep one foot in the Haired society he came from.

Clingers.

A country of clingers.

Just as his country desperately clung to its colonies long after the world knew that its empire had crumbled, Jason Statham clings to the little Hair he has left for no other reason than he can’t.  Let.  Go.

Our only hope is that the math catches up to him:  if he compares the box office for his latest film “Crank” (#6) with the box office two weeks ago of True Bald Vin Diesel’s “Fast And Furious” (#1), maybe he’ll see that if you want the big bucks — the Daddy Warbucks — you can’t Half-Assie Baldness.  Winners go down to the skin, plain and simple.  Until he learns that lesson, Jason Statham will continue to languish in his unique, limbo position of 2nd place stardom — the world’s biggest b-movie star.

(And that’s a lowercase “b”, mind you.)

Who are you really fighting, Jason?

Who are you really fighting, Jason?


Is Jason Statham One of Us?

April 17, 2009
Does this count as electrolysis?

Does this count as electrolysis?

Crank 2: High Voltage opens in theatres today, and it’s time to ask a question that’s been bothering us all at the Bald Wall for awhile: Is closely-shaved actor Jason Statham officially Bald or not?

You decide.

 

Do you think I'm Bald?

Tell me, do you think I'm Bald?


SPLIT ENDS: In a Panic, Statham Agrees to “The Mechanic”

April 22, 2009
Original.

Winner's "Mechanic".

Poser.

Wigger's "Mechanic"?

If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this:  desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”.  In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.

Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:

Real good choice, Hairywood.  In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round:  has he learned his lesson?  Will he finally trim down?  Or totally wig out?

The Bald’s in your court, Mr. Statham.

From ComingSoon.


Statham’s Semi-Baldness Grabs Semi-Box Office

April 21, 2009
Jason needs a jump.

Jason needs a jump.

Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office.  But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds.  “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.

Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.


THE BALD WALL: VIN DIESEL

April 2, 2009
This picture is hilarious.
The Bald Stallone.
i-am-legend-20071022044404088-000

Will Smith.

bruce-willis-live-free-or-die-harder

Bruce Willis.

Jason Statham.

Jason Statham.

The guy who played Hitman.

The "Hitman" guy.

If there’s anything the 2000’s have taught Hollywood, it should be this:  America likes our action heroes Bald.  British Bald Jason Statham has racked up an impressive stream of moneymakers, while established actors like Will Smith and Bruce Willis found their biggest audiences in years with Bald-centric actioneers.

This wasn’t always the case.

In the 20th Century, Balds in cinema were relegated to supporting roles at best.  They were either clumsy doofuses or diabolical villains — and sometimes both.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

Balds couldn’t take these negative stereotypes lying down.  Taking a cue from their African-American brothers, Balds in the 1970’s produced gritty Baldsploitation filmmaking that showed Balds could not only play Leads, but be just as heroic, badass, and sexual as their Haired counterparts.  But their budgets were no match for a Hairobsessed Hollywood, and despite their valiant efforts, Balds would spend the next thirty years continuing to play clowns, freaks, and Nazis.

And then in 2001, the world changed forever.

A Breakthrough Bald arrived who shattered Hollywood’s glass ceiling.  A Bald who broke the unwritten rule that action stars must have Hair, no matter how fake.

His name was Mark Sinclair Vincent.  But the world knows him better as Vin Diesel.

InVincible.

InVincible.

2001’s “The Fast And The Furious” is a landmark film in Bald Culture.  In a vein similar to “The Defiant Ones” before it, “TFATF” tells the story of a Haired man forced by circumstance into an uneasy friendship with a Bald man, and how it opens the Haired man’s mind and changes his worldview.

"He's just like me!"

"Why... he's no different than I."

Paul Walker plays the penultimate Hair, his blond highlit locks glowing with privilege and entitlement, who goes undercover to arrest his Bald target.  But once they meet, he finds that Balds aren’t so different from Hairs after all…  in fact, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.

As the Bald Dom Torreto, Vin Diesel knows his way around an engine (and a woman).  And when the time comes for Paul Walker to bring him in, the hesitant Hair can’t bring himself to do it.  He  lets his Bald brother ride off into freedom rather than turn him over to a corrupt system that would put him away just for the smoothness of his scalp.

The critically-acclaimed film became an out-of-nowhere blockbuster that suggested relations between Hairs and Balds had mellowed from previous generations.  The studio heads took notice, and with dollar signs in their eyes, they decided to make a big bet on Bald.

A New Breed of Action Star.

A "New Breed" of Action Star.

Was the musclebound Diesel strong enough to carry a movie on his own, despite having no Hair? The world eagerly awaited the answer as production began on “xXx”.

I guess.

The Year 2002.

Adopting the formula of the Baldsploitation movies he saw as a boy, and adding a huge studio budget behind it, Vin Diesel created a Bald uberhero for the Mountain Dew generation in an attempt to cement his legacy as The Bald Stallone.  It worked.  When the receipts came in, the new reality was official:  “xXx” made $$$, and suddenly Bald equaled Box Office.

And for a glorious and short-lived moment, Vin Diesel was on top of the world.

The Hairs wouldn’t let him stay there for long.

A big Bald target.

A big Bald target.

The pressure of surviving as a Bald man in a Haired industry did not leave Diesel unscathed.  Baldism was alive and well in Tinseltown, and Diesel’s success only stoked the flames in the hearts of his Haired haters.

Rock bottom.

Rock bottom.

The campaign to destroy him began.  They started inexplicable rumors that he was gay.  They convinced the industry that he was overhyped.  And they dumped him from the “Furious” sequel when he asked to be paid the same amount as  Haired action stars.  After some years in the wilderness, with a string of flops and misfires culminating in the nadir of “Find Me Guilty” (where a desperate and confused Diesel succumbed to wearing a hairpiece), Diesel learned a valuable lesson:  “dance with the ones who brung ‘ya'”.   In 2009’s “Fast and Furious”, he returned to form in the role that made him a star… and proved to Hollywood that Balds mean business.

See “Fast And Furious” in theaters this weekend!

Vindicated.

Vindicated.

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


Bald Wall

March 30, 2009

The Bald Wall

The Complete Who’s Who In Bald Culturebald-wall

0000034809_20061021014847MICHAEL CHIKLIS

billy-corgan-thumb3BILLY CORGAN

dalai-lama-webreadyDALAI LAMA

vin-diesel-thumbnail1VIN DIESEL

502px-fred_durst_by_david_shankboneFRED DURST

colin-farrell-thumb1COLIN FARRELL

gandhi-thumbGANDHI

JOE THE PLUMBER

van-jones-thumb2VAN JONES

katzenberg_fea_2705_narrowweb__300x4000JEFFREY KATZENBERG

lost-terry-oquinnLOCKE

lex-luthor-thumbnailLEX LUTHOR

dr-manhattan-thumbnailDR. MANHATTAN

morpheus-thumb1MORPHEUS

michael-cerveris-thumbTHE OBSERVER

satan-thumbSATAN

kojaktelly1TELLY SAVALAS

che premiere 2 251008STEVEN SODERBERGH

britney-spears-thumbBRITNEY SPEARS

statham-thumbJASON STATHAM

patrick-stewart-thumbnail1PATRICK STEWART

tyson-thumb-grrMIKE TYSON

voldo-thumbVOLDO

daddy-warbucks-thumbDADDY WARBUCKS

sig-weav-thumbSIGOURNEY WEAVER

bruce-willis-thumbnailBRUCE WILLIS

32558_billy_zaneBILLY ZANE

MORE TO COME…