Is The Bald Wall going to have to revoke another member this week? We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking). But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block. Via Huff Post:
Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?
Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.
As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall. Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here? Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?
Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all. Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards. There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!
In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation. The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor. The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.
Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon. Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention). And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:
It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red. Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way. After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!
Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING: may make your Hairs stand on end):
The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story. In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers! Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes! You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!
After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously? Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!). Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.
Via Raw Story.
The Bald Wall
The Complete Who’s Who In Bald Culture
MORE TO COME…
The unfortunate Joe the Plumber is back in the news with an obligatory 80%-off-at-Costco book in which he goes flipmode and trashes presidential runner-up John McCain. Joe the Plumber is a bad look for us, a Bald in the vein of Fred Durst whose oversized ego (three collage frames?) and embarassing self-delusions of profundity help perpetuate the “Bald As Dimwit” meme. But from a purely aesthetic view, he rocks a tough, “G.I. Joe toy” Bald that is fairly classic.