FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.

UPDATE:

Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.


“OBSERVE” and RETORT!

May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.


But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.


GOP Bashes Balds

April 30, 2009
-Snicker!-

(tee-hee-hee!)

First Democrat Joe Biden made some jokes at our expense.  Now the Gay Old Pervs are getting in on the fun.  Seems one Ohio Repub is in hot water for comparing a Bald pic of switch-hitter Arlen Spector with an equally Bald pic of Dr. Evil.  Quick… what’s funnier than Bald jokes?  Cancer jokes!

CINCINNATI (AP) — An Ohio Republican leader is being criticized for a blog post that used a photo of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, bald from chemotherapy, and one of the hairless Dr. Evil from the “Austin Powers” movies.

The webpage in question:

The photos drew charges of insensitivity from Tim Burke, the Democratic chairman in Hamilton County…  He sent a news release Wednesday with the headline “Republican Party Ridicules Cancer Patient.” Specter has battled Hodgkin’s disease.

[Hamilton County GOP Chairman] Alex Triantafilou …said Burke needed to “lighten up.”

The Republicans have never been big fans of minorities, and Balds are no exception.  But, as in many cases, they reached their nadir with former president George W. Bush, who never met a Bald he didn’t immediately proceed to noogie:

Bush gets some head from fellow Republican/homosexual prostitute Jeff Gannon.

...and again...

image_48597321984820-8027-019a0120Bush

bald05bald041bald02


“BALD”: The Making Of THX1138

April 29, 2009
Peer pressure works.

Lice-free since 1971.

Dig this short documentary (via Dailymotion) about the making (and particularly, the shaving) of George Lucas’s debut “THX 1138”.  In the doc, Lucas, always progressively Bald-friendly in his casting choices, faces down a typical Hollywood Baldist who simply can’t imagine that any girl will be willing to shave her precious long locks for his silly little Bald flick.

Where does “THX 1138” rank in the Greatest Bald Films Of All Time?


Big Apple blames the Bailout on Balds?

April 7, 2009
Bald and Balder.

Bald and Balder.

That bastion of Baldism Ny Mag has a page dedicated to identifying the Bald bankers behind the bottomless bailout (because we all look the same to you, right?).

This broad-brush painting of Balds as wealthy white collar villains pulling the strings of society is a long-standing meme in fiction as well as journalism.  It’s not going away any time soon, but at least we can console ourselves with some of the cunningly cool characters created in its wake:

Daddy Warbucks.

Daddy Warbucks.

President Luthor.

President Luthor.

The Kingpin

Vice President Biden puts Baldness in the spotlight

April 6, 2009
Hair to the throne.

Hair to the throne.

Vice President of the United States Joe Biden yesterday scored some laughs at Balds’ expense with a self-depreciating gag on his wispy white Hair:

Pointing to [Announcer Jim] Palmer’s scalp, the V.P. blurted out: “If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.” Removing his cap, Biden added: “You know… Look, there ain’t a whole lot there.”

Basebald?

Basebald?

See the video with your own eyes here (the “laughs” start at 1:45).

If Vice President Biden wants to put the spotlight on Baldness and its role in American politics, there’s no better place to start than with his own illustrious career.

Growing into office.

Growing into office.

Joe Biden became a Senator in 1973 and first ran for President in 1988 at the height of ’80’s era Baldism.  After a resounding defeat in the primaries, it is apparent that Biden drew the same conclusion from his loss that he joked about yesterday:

“If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.”

What happened next is not entirely known, a puzzle that can only be partly pieced together from archival footage and inside-the-Beltway hearsay.  What we do know is this:

That’s right.  Somehow, over a two-decade period while the country was occupied with taxes, blowjobs, and Iraq, Joe Biden went from this:

1988

1988

2008

2008

to this:

“Unbelievable” barely scratches the surface of this follicle feat.  Was it a miraculous reptile-like regeneration of lost cells?  Or a cynical ploy to pull the Hair over voters’ eyes?  Only Joe knows fo’ sho’.

But one thing is for certain:  the Side-Haired Senator who lost a Presidential campaign twenty years ago now sits comfortably in the Executive Branch — a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the land — with a head full of Hair and a lot of questions to answer.


Bana Too Bald for Box Office?

April 2, 2009
Hollywood to Bana:  Grow It Back NOW!

Hollywood to Bana: no Hair, no movie!

In a blatant case of Baldism, the Hollywood producers behind “The Time Traveler’s Wife” have delayed production on their movie until star Eric Bana grows an acceptable head of Hair.

Says Haired co-star Rachel McAdams:

“Eric was the hold-up. He had to shave his head for a different role, for Star Trek, I think.  So we were waiting on Eric’s Hair,” she told Sci Fi Wire.

Bana went Bald to play the evil Romulan Nero in J.J. Abrams’ upcoming “Star Trek” movie. Apparently Baldness is fine for villains, but when it comes to playing a romantic lead, it’s a dealbreaker.  Instead of telling Bana to grow it out, maybe Hollywood should just grow up.


THE BALD WALL: DR. MANHATTAN

March 31, 2009
The most powerful Bald of all.

The most powerful Bald of all.

Dr. Manhattan, of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ seminal 1986 graphic novel “Watchmen”, stands alone as perhaps the most powerful Bald in the history of all fiction (though some might disagree).

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

When a scientific experiment goes awry, physicist Jon Osterman is transformed into a blue-skinned enigma with unfathomable control over every cell, atom, and particle in the known universe (the accident also takes his hair, a common DC trope).  The newly Bald Jon is immediately contracted by the United States government and given the name Doctor Manhattan.  He proceeds to carry out any and every order given to him by his Haired superiors, including wiping out indigenous Vietnamese soldiers with a mere point of his quantum-powered finger.  But his social life suffers the same fate:  Jon’s radically-altered perception of life is impossible for his friends and lovers to relate to.   Try as he might, his great abilities are unable to prevent every relationship he ever cherished from falling apart as a result of his “unexpected change”.

Many of us can relate.

It's not easy being Bald.

It's not easy being Bald.

Dr. Manhattan’s story in “Watchmen” centers around his increasing isolation and gradual withdrawal from the rest of human society as he comes to realize more and more how irrevocably different he is from everyone around him.  Whether it was Moore’s intention or not, the tale of Dr. Manhattan is an obvious parable for the Bald Experience in America in the ’80’s.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

It was in the ’80’s that anti-Bald technology blossomed and led to the creation of a lucrative industry.  Surgeon William Rassman pioneered the use of micrograft hair transplants, and founded the hate group New Hair Institute.  Entreprenuer Sy Sperling introduced his even more successful Hair Club For Men to the world, with its famous slogan “I’m not just the president, I’m also a client,” featuring photos documenting Sperling’s own transformation from undesirable Bald to eligible Haired ladykiller.  Hundreds more companies sprung up in their wake.  With some 35 million Bald or balding men in America alone, there was clearly a fortune to be made.

The only problem:  in order to sell their many hair restoration products, companies like Hair Club For Men and NHI would have to convince the populace at large that being Bald was bad.   Awful, in fact.  A disease that needed to be cured.

Consumed by ’80’s era greed, they embarked on a remorseless marketing campaign that would forever affect the Bald community’s standing in the social structure, with hate-filled ads like this one:

The result:  their products flew off the shelves.  Entreprenuers like Sperling became millionaires overnight.  And a generation of Bald men became walking pariahs, wasting the best years of their lives pouring their hard earned money into a variety of different snake oils, or trading their dignity for a lousy toupee  (It’s no mistake that Moore’s Dr. Manhattan is depicted as flaccid and unable to please women sexually).

The Moore Code.

Moore's Code.

With such power and influence at their fingertips, these newly crowned titans of the Hair Restoration industry could shut down anybody who tried to challenge the Anti-Bald narrative they so efficiently concocted and weaved through 1980’s culture.  That Moore was able to hide such a damning indictment of them in the pages of the bestselling graphic novel of all time is just another testament to his unmatched brilliance…  and another layer to examine in his most unforgettable and tragic creation, Dr. Manhattan — the God who wasn’t Haired.


A Bald Affair To Remember

March 30, 2009
When I was 33... it was a very good year...

"When I was 33... it was a very good year..."

Oops! ...I Did It With Fred Durst

Oops! ...I Did Fred Durst

Fred Durst is known for constantly reminiscing on the early 2000’s with a glisten in his eye.  In this week’s People, Durst recalls with fondness his 2003 affair with fellow Bald Britney Spears:

“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since.  (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”

Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too).  Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.

Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste.  Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist.  It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards.  As they say, “Once you go Bald…”


MOVIE REVIEW: “WATCHMEN”

March 6, 2009
Bald & Blue.

"Watchmen" will give Balds the Blues.

In “Watchmen”, Zack Snyder and his special FX team create the most fantastic animated Bald ever to grace the movies…  then change Alan Moore’s original story so that Dr. Manhattan is responsible for destroying New York at the end.  Typical.