Half-Assie

April 12, 2009

Well, well, well. Vin Diesel’s got the #1 movie in the country, Bruce Willis has a Victoria’s Secret model wearing his ring, Bald is being declared “cool” in the papers, and all of a sudden everybody’s breaking out the clippers in a race to the bandwagon.  Case in point:

Some shallow-end pussy shit.

Her better half.

What?  You don’t recognize her?  Why, that’s pretty-girl-who-wants-to-be-a-singer-and-an-actress-and-a-princess Cassie, who decided to try and catch some of that current Bald Heat for herself…  but apparently thought she could get away with just a little on the side.

Nah, sister.  No matter what your Haired Svengali Puff Diddy thinks, you can’t just sample Bald.  You want to sell albums, you go all the way. Otherwise, you’re trying to play both sides of the court, and let’s face it:  you’re no Michael Jordan.

Via TMZ.

How To Be A Player.

How To Be A Player.

34 (That’s not to say we’re above posting a gallery of her.)

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Bimp (noun): Bald Pimp

April 1, 2009
The Bimp.

The Bimp.

Is Bruce Willis the coolest Bald of all?  We knew he had married a sexy young swimsuit model over the weekend, but now reports are coming in on exactly how an Alpha Bald picks out his bride:

BRUCE Willis, 54, and his new wife, Emma Heming, 30, didn’t meet through friends, as his pals have insisted in fact, the superstar actor hand-picked her as a perfect stranger.

Emma Hemming.

Emma Heming.

An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”

At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.

Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”

The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.

Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.

Wow.

Alpha Bald doesn’t even do this man justice anymore.

Big Bimpin'.

Big Bimpin'.

Name a Haired man (that doesn’t start with the prefix “Al-“) who can order up a bevy of bodacious beauties to be paraded before him for his choosing like this.  Not since Imhotep has any Bald weilded such commanding authority in the pursuit of his lustful whims.  Bruce Willis may not be the most powerful Bald in the universe, but when it comes to the opposite sex, this groundbreaking Baldbanger is blazing trails few Balds have ever traveled.

Thus the invention of a new term is in order:  Bimp. Definition?  Bald Pimp.  Synonym?  Bruce f&%kin’ Willis.

Hats off to you, sir.

You have chosen...  wisely.

You have chosen... wisely.

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*Click here for more Emma Heming!


Side Hair

March 30, 2009
Making a point.

Let's use this opportunity to make a point.

For all that has been written about the Republican Party’s gaffe-prone new chairman Michael Steele, there is one thing no other publication has yet pointed out:  his Side Hair.

For those not in the know, Side Hair means you are not Bald.  Side Hair is what keeps Haired men from joining the Bald ranks with self-esteem and confidence.  Instead, they grip to their fading Haired lifestyle until the bitter end, no matter how pitiful and aesthetically unpleasant they look in the process.

Director/Side Hair enthusiast Ron Howard

Director/Side Hair enthusiast Ron Howard

Side hair is a culturally accepted norm in our society, which is quite strange if you think about it.  Men with side hair run corporations, Wall Street, and even government.  But their undue respect, and the power that comes with it, is simply a result of prejudices left over from previous generations.  Prejudices that have yet to be entirely stamped out.  Prejudices that teach our young men that side hair is still better than no hair at all.

Is it?  Is it, Ron Howard?

If there’s anything the Bald Wall stands firmly against — in neverending, unwavering opposition — it’s Side Hair.  A Bald man with side hair is like a Black Republican:  a confused anomaly ashamed of who he is, desperately trying to stay in a club that crossed his name off the list a long time ago.  He tries to ride the line and play both sides of the court (Bald on top, Haired on the sides!  A little something for everybody!).  It never works, and only burnishes his image as a weakling afraid to make to stand.  He is easily shifted by the slightest wind, chasing popular trends in an attempt to gain credibility, forever seeking to please everybody at once…  and inevitably loses his own soul in the process.

A message for those of you with Side Hair:   Either go big or go home.  GOP Chairmen cannot be fence-sitters, Michael Steele.  Shave it all off, accept who you are, and who knows:  you might find the Republican Party suddenly attracting female fans like it hasn’t since the days of Ike.

Before...

Before...

After?

After?