That’s right, that is a question mark at the end of our headline. Why? Because we aren’t quite sure whether Jason Statham IS Bald.
What do you call this? Certainly he can’t walk amongst the Haired as one of them — their full languid locks are a world away from his close cropped fuzz.
Yet, said fuzz IS there, undeniably. Sure, the average passerby might glance in Statham’s direction and see a Bald, but closer inspection reveals a fine layer of compromise surrounding his cranium. If the S.S. ever came to take the Balds away, Statham could point at his fuzz and say “Not me, mate– I’m a Hair”. But until then, he is perfectly happy being mistaken as a Bald and building a career off the ensuing heat.
This is Faux Baldness, whether we like to admit it or not. And we don’t. Most Balds will readily admit to being huge fans of Statham and his punchy pictures. And clearly he’s been happy to ride our fandom all the way to the bank. But though his films have brought joy to Balds everywhere and in a subconscious way we have taken him under our wing as one of our own (at least in comparison to Haired action stars like Tom Cruise), we must face the truth and admit that Jason Statham is neither Hair nor there. It is clear he sees himself as a badass Bald like Michael Chiklis or the Bimp. But despite his dreams of Bimpness, something prevents him from grabbing the razor and going all the way.
There is a term for this kind of person.
Jason Statham is a WannaBald.
The best we here at the Bald Wall can offer him is an HDM: an honorable dishonorable mention. Yes, he has brought us some added toughness in the mind of the public, and yes, his successes reflect well on all of us, but that reflection is not coming off of a clear, shiny scalp — instead, it is a reflection tainted and refracted in a weird distorted “Natural Born Killers” way by a myriad of patchy Hairs so tiny and yet so clearly vital to their owner’s self-image. No matter how much we welcome him into our arms, Jason Statham will always keep one foot in the Haired society he came from.
Just as his country desperately clung to its colonies long after the world knew that its empire had crumbled, Jason Statham clings to the little Hair he has left for no other reason than he can’t. Let. Go.
Our only hope is that the math catches up to him: if he compares the box office for his latest film “Crank” (#6) with the box office two weeks ago of True Bald Vin Diesel’s “Fast And Furious” (#1), maybe he’ll see that if you want the big bucks — the Daddy Warbucks — you can’t Half-Assie Baldness. Winners go down to the skin, plain and simple. Until he learns that lesson, Jason Statham will continue to languish in his unique, limbo position of 2nd place stardom — the world’s biggest b-movie star.
(And that’s a lowercase “b”, mind you.)