FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.

UPDATE:

Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.


The Saddest Bald Story of 2009 So Far

May 29, 2009
Really?  REALLY?

Really? REALLY?

There is nothing more indicative of Bald Shame than this “Dear Prudence” letter on Slate today, entitled, “My husband thinks I don’t know he wears a hairpiece”.  Read it and weep:

As we lay in bed one night, I noticed what looked like hairspray or gel buildup on his hairline. He was fast asleep, so I went to scratch it off, and what I thought was gel turned out to be the tape of his toupee! Here he had been wearing a toupee all this time, and I never had the faintest idea.

Sigh.

Go ahead, have a laugh.


EMMSCLUSIVE: Video of Emma Heming @ Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

May 6, 2009

-"Hello?"  -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

-"Hello?" -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

When Alpha Bald Bruce Willis picked Emma Heming out of a casting call on “Perfect Stranger” and married her out of nowhere in a whirlwind romance, few had even heard of the young lingerie model.  Media outlets scrambled for pictures of the Bald-loving beauty.

But when it comes to anything in the Willisphere, no one beats The Bald Wall to the punch.  We’ve unearthed a brief clip of the bride-to-be practicing her walk down the aisle in the 2001 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Brace yourself… for the Bimpress:

Run Emma Run.

Emma gaaawd.

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

*Click here for more Emma Heming!


BALD SPOT: The Bimp & Bimpress Arrive at the Ball

May 6, 2009
Bounce light.

Bounce light.

SPOTTEDThe Bimp and his bethrothed arrive for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala in New York, looking positively Emmaculate!

The Head carpet treatment.

The Head carpet treatment.


Hollywood Hot for Bald Bruce

May 6, 2009
Boogie Bald.

Boogie Bald.

Has there ever been a better time to be Bruce Willis?  For some reason everyone from the Hollywood trades to the NY gossip mags decided to just spend some ink today raving about how awesome he is.  From THR:

A Star Is Shorn.

A Star Is Shorn.

Action stars may lose their currency as they move into their 50s. But Bruce Willis keeps on raking in the offers.

The star, who turned 54 last month, has been in discussions to shoot and fight his way through three action pics — a thriller for NuImage/Millenium titled “Inventory,” the CIA tale “Red” for Summit and the mob biopic “Scarpa” for Morgan Creek.

And NY Daily News says Willis has reached his “golden age”.  We must agree.  Though his long storied career has occasionally found him in some Hairy situations, His Baldness has come out on top, seemingly shaving the years off like so much scalp fuzz.

NEWS FLASH:  It’s good to be The Bimp.



Joe the (even) Dumber

May 5, 2009
Plumbing the depths.

Plumbing the depths.

Is The Bald Wall going to have to revoke another member this week?  We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking).  But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block.  Via Huff Post:

Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

Buncha flags...

Buncha flags...

Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall.  Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here?  Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?

Beards.

Beards.

Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all.  Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards.  There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!

In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation.  The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor.  The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.

Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon.  Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention).  And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:

THE BALD WALL:  THE DEVIL

COMING SOON


“OBSERVE” and RETORT!

May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.


But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.


GOP Bashes Balds

April 30, 2009
-Snicker!-

(tee-hee-hee!)

First Democrat Joe Biden made some jokes at our expense.  Now the Gay Old Pervs are getting in on the fun.  Seems one Ohio Repub is in hot water for comparing a Bald pic of switch-hitter Arlen Spector with an equally Bald pic of Dr. Evil.  Quick… what’s funnier than Bald jokes?  Cancer jokes!

CINCINNATI (AP) — An Ohio Republican leader is being criticized for a blog post that used a photo of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, bald from chemotherapy, and one of the hairless Dr. Evil from the “Austin Powers” movies.

The webpage in question:

The photos drew charges of insensitivity from Tim Burke, the Democratic chairman in Hamilton County…  He sent a news release Wednesday with the headline “Republican Party Ridicules Cancer Patient.” Specter has battled Hodgkin’s disease.

[Hamilton County GOP Chairman] Alex Triantafilou …said Burke needed to “lighten up.”

The Republicans have never been big fans of minorities, and Balds are no exception.  But, as in many cases, they reached their nadir with former president George W. Bush, who never met a Bald he didn’t immediately proceed to noogie:

Bush gets some head from fellow Republican/homosexual prostitute Jeff Gannon.

...and again...

image_48597321984820-8027-019a0120Bush

bald05bald041bald02


BALD SPOT: Katzenberg & Friends

April 30, 2009
"Uh-oh...  spidey sense tingling..."

"Uh-oh... spidey sense tingling..."

SPOTTED:  Power Bald Jeffrey Katzenberg at the Lakers game with Tobey Maguire and Leonardo DiCaprio, neither of whom have ever manned up and gone full Bald for a role.  Katzenberg has been a frequent name on Forbes’ Richest 400 list, topping out at #288 in 2002…   putting him only 287 spots behind Daddy Warbucks.


“BALD”: The Making Of THX1138

April 29, 2009
Peer pressure works.

Lice-free since 1971.

Dig this short documentary (via Dailymotion) about the making (and particularly, the shaving) of George Lucas’s debut “THX 1138”.  In the doc, Lucas, always progressively Bald-friendly in his casting choices, faces down a typical Hollywood Baldist who simply can’t imagine that any girl will be willing to shave her precious long locks for his silly little Bald flick.

Where does “THX 1138” rank in the Greatest Bald Films Of All Time?


The Bald and the Porn Star

April 29, 2009
Baldie Nights.

Baldie Nights.

Bald auteur Steven Soderbergh premiered his new film “The Girlfriend Experience” at the Tribeca Film Festival yesterday:

The scripted movie, which tells the story of a $2000/hour call girl juggling a boyfriend and professional demands, features porn star Sasha Grey in the leading role.

Despite the casting, Soderbergh’s film supposedly has no sex and minimal nudity.

Sasha Grey.

The new Bald muse.

But don’t let the movie’s purported lack of skin fool you:  Soderbergh’s Bald credentials are as solid as ever.  His new ingenue isn’t just some porn star he randomly plucked out of the jizz biz; she’s an existentialist film-buff and a former flame of Bald Waller Billy Corgan.  In the words of Kurupt, “And then I’m through with it, there’s nothing else to do with it. Pass it to the homie, now you hit it.”

This film just moved up 50 points on the Bald radar.  Watch the preview below, and visit the Huffington Post for more pics.

Will you be laying down your money for this “Girlfriend Experience”?


Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.

halle-berry-1-lg1

Stretch it out, Halle.


SPLIT ENDS: In a Panic, Statham Agrees to “The Mechanic”

April 22, 2009
Original.

Winner's "Mechanic".

Poser.

Wigger's "Mechanic"?

If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this:  desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”.  In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.

Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:

Real good choice, Hairywood.  In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round:  has he learned his lesson?  Will he finally trim down?  Or totally wig out?

The Bald’s in your court, Mr. Statham.

From ComingSoon.


Mario Jumps on the Baldwagon; Berry right behind

April 22, 2009

Following in the footsteps of his R&B peer Cassie, “Braid My Hair” singer Mario did an about face this week and took the clippers down to zero:

Mario Bros.

Mario Bros.

What do you think?  Is Mario the next Britney, or just another celeb jumping on the Baldwagon?

Berrah Fawcett.

Berrah Fawcett.

Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft.  The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.

What’s the deal?  Are all these people just trying to sleep with Emma Heming?

Via Singersroom.


Statham’s Semi-Baldness Grabs Semi-Box Office

April 21, 2009
Jason needs a jump.

Jason needs a jump.

Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office.  But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds.  “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.

Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.


Bald Who?

April 21, 2009
hitman-olga

"What are you lookin' at, Zane?"

billy-zane

"My new job."

ABC’s “Samantha Who?” is trading out one Bald for another.  The inappropriately monikered “Hit-man” Timothy Olyphant has been replaced by the slightly-Balder and significantly-bimper Billy Zane.  Will Haired viewers even notice the difference?

And has anyone ever heard of this show before?


THE BALD WALL: JASON STATHAM?

April 21, 2009

That’s right, that is a question mark at the end of our headline.  Why?  Because we aren’t quite sure whether Jason Statham IS Bald.

Is he or isn't he?

Is he or isn't he?

What do you call this?  Certainly he can’t walk amongst the Haired as one of them — their full languid locks are a world away from his close cropped fuzz.

Yet, said fuzz IS there, undeniably.  Sure, the average passerby might glance in Statham’s direction and see a Bald, but closer inspection reveals a fine layer of compromise surrounding his cranium.  If the S.S. ever came to take the Balds away, Statham could point at his fuzz and say “Not me, mate– I’m a Hair”.  But until then, he is perfectly happy being mistaken as a Bald and building a career off the ensuing heat.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

This is Faux Baldness, whether we like to admit it or not.  And we don’t.  Most Balds will readily admit to being huge fans of Statham and his punchy pictures.  And clearly he’s been happy to ride our fandom all the way to the bank.  But though his films have brought joy to Balds everywhere and in a subconscious way we have taken him under our wing as one of our own (at least in comparison to Haired action stars like Tom Cruise), we must face the truth and admit that Jason Statham is neither Hair nor there.  It is clear he sees himself as a badass Bald like Michael Chiklis or the Bimp.  But despite his dreams of Bimpness, something prevents him from grabbing the razor and going all the way.

There is a term for this kind of person.

Jason Statham is a WannaBald.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

The best we here at the Bald Wall can offer him is an HDM:  an honorable dishonorable mention.  Yes, he has brought us some added toughness in the mind of the public, and yes, his successes reflect well on all of us, but that reflection is not coming off of a clear, shiny scalp — instead, it is a reflection tainted and refracted in a weird distorted “Natural Born Killers” way by a myriad of patchy Hairs so tiny and yet so clearly vital to their owner’s self-image.  No matter how much we welcome him into our arms, Jason Statham will always keep one foot in the Haired society he came from.

Clingers.

A country of clingers.

Just as his country desperately clung to its colonies long after the world knew that its empire had crumbled, Jason Statham clings to the little Hair he has left for no other reason than he can’t.  Let.  Go.

Our only hope is that the math catches up to him:  if he compares the box office for his latest film “Crank” (#6) with the box office two weeks ago of True Bald Vin Diesel’s “Fast And Furious” (#1), maybe he’ll see that if you want the big bucks — the Daddy Warbucks — you can’t Half-Assie Baldness.  Winners go down to the skin, plain and simple.  Until he learns that lesson, Jason Statham will continue to languish in his unique, limbo position of 2nd place stardom — the world’s biggest b-movie star.

(And that’s a lowercase “b”, mind you.)

Who are you really fighting, Jason?

Who are you really fighting, Jason?


Half-Assie

April 12, 2009

Well, well, well. Vin Diesel’s got the #1 movie in the country, Bruce Willis has a Victoria’s Secret model wearing his ring, Bald is being declared “cool” in the papers, and all of a sudden everybody’s breaking out the clippers in a race to the bandwagon.  Case in point:

Some shallow-end pussy shit.

Her better half.

What?  You don’t recognize her?  Why, that’s pretty-girl-who-wants-to-be-a-singer-and-an-actress-and-a-princess Cassie, who decided to try and catch some of that current Bald Heat for herself…  but apparently thought she could get away with just a little on the side.

Nah, sister.  No matter what your Haired Svengali Puff Diddy thinks, you can’t just sample Bald.  You want to sell albums, you go all the way. Otherwise, you’re trying to play both sides of the court, and let’s face it:  you’re no Michael Jordan.

Via TMZ.

How To Be A Player.

How To Be A Player.

34 (That’s not to say we’re above posting a gallery of her.)


All-New Emma Heming runway pics (NSFW)

April 10, 2009
See Emma walk.

See Emma walk.

The Bimpress is back!  Enjoy these highly NSFW pics of Bruce Willis‘s blushing bride strutting her stuff at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.


INTERVIEW: Joe the Plumber

April 9, 2009
Dumb and Plumber.

Dumb and Plumber.

Watch Haired comedian/political provocateur Bill Maher interview Joe the Plumber on his Friday-night “Real Time With Bill Maher” show.


Is Billy Corgan Smashing Munchkins?

April 7, 2009
Zeroes and Ones.

Zero and one.

Yes, that’s Smashing Pumpkins whiner Billy Corgan with miniature myspace minx Tila Tequila on the red carpet last night.  Short or not, she’s quite a step up from the first celebrity gal he squired, and another proud notch in the belt for our favorite Bald Rock Star (sorry, fellas).

Click here for more Tila!

Obligatory Tequila shot.


Pitt, Portman to go Head-to-Head onscreen

April 7, 2009
Bald Pitt.

Bald Pitt.

Bald Portman.

Bald Portman.

Honorary Bald-Stars Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman are set to get it on in Paramount’s sure-to-be-retitled “Important Artifacts and Personal Property From the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion and Jewelry”.  What the…?:

Pitt, 45, and Portman, 28, have been cast in [the] new romantic comedy in which he will play an aging photographer and she a New York Times food columnist, Variety reports.

Is it just us, or is Hollywood pulling out all the stops to make this film seem as boring as humanly possible?  The awful title, the banal jobs…  Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that Pitt and Portman will go Haired for their roles.  Snooooooze.

Boooorrrrriiiiing.

Boooorrrrriiiiing.

Ah well, there’s always hope for the Unrated dvd release…  that is, if they can fit an extra word on the box cover.


THE BALD WALL: SIGOURNEY WEAVER

April 7, 2009

Check out this penultimate post for Sigourney Weaver on our sister site The Bald And Beautiful.  And mind your manners — Weaver could singlehandedly kick the ass of half our Bald Wall list (minus this fine fellow).

How cool is Ripley?  Let’s put it this way:  John McClane is a cool-ass character.  But it took 4 movies for John McClane to achieve what Ripley did in 3.  Gender, schmender — a tougher Bald would be difficult to find.  All Hail the Queen:

Enter:  THE BALD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

Enter: THE BALD AND THE BEAUTIFUL


Vice President Biden puts Baldness in the spotlight

April 6, 2009
Hair to the throne.

Hair to the throne.

Vice President of the United States Joe Biden yesterday scored some laughs at Balds’ expense with a self-depreciating gag on his wispy white Hair:

Pointing to [Announcer Jim] Palmer’s scalp, the V.P. blurted out: “If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.” Removing his cap, Biden added: “You know… Look, there ain’t a whole lot there.”

Basebald?

Basebald?

See the video with your own eyes here (the “laughs” start at 1:45).

If Vice President Biden wants to put the spotlight on Baldness and its role in American politics, there’s no better place to start than with his own illustrious career.

Growing into office.

Growing into office.

Joe Biden became a Senator in 1973 and first ran for President in 1988 at the height of ’80’s era Baldism.  After a resounding defeat in the primaries, it is apparent that Biden drew the same conclusion from his loss that he joked about yesterday:

“If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.”

What happened next is not entirely known, a puzzle that can only be partly pieced together from archival footage and inside-the-Beltway hearsay.  What we do know is this:

That’s right.  Somehow, over a two-decade period while the country was occupied with taxes, blowjobs, and Iraq, Joe Biden went from this:

1988

1988

2008

2008

to this:

“Unbelievable” barely scratches the surface of this follicle feat.  Was it a miraculous reptile-like regeneration of lost cells?  Or a cynical ploy to pull the Hair over voters’ eyes?  Only Joe knows fo’ sho’.

But one thing is for certain:  the Side-Haired Senator who lost a Presidential campaign twenty years ago now sits comfortably in the Executive Branch — a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the land — with a head full of Hair and a lot of questions to answer.


BIMPWATCH: The Bimp Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award

April 6, 2009
Beauty and The Bimp.

Beauty and The Bimp.

Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis (a.k.a. The Bimp) was honored this weekend with the Sonoma International Film Festival’s Lifetime Achievement Award for his roles in Bald classics like “Pulp Fiction”, “12 Monkeys”, and “Live Free or Die Haired”.

Baldsploitation.

Baldsploitation.

"So I'm thinking about shaving it off for Fight Club, but I don't know...  what do you think?"

"So I'm thinking about shaving it off for Fight Club..." "Do it, kid."

It was also the Bimp’s first public appearance with Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming since the two tied the knot — and as usual, the nubile newlywed was looking hot enough to put sweat on your scalp!

Skin is in.

Skin is in.


Bald To The Future: Meet Obama’s Green Machine

April 6, 2009
Sunz of Man.

Sunz of Man.

Dig this interview with President Obama’s new Special Advisor on Environmental Quality Van Jones.  The founder of Green For All and bestselling author of 2008’s “The Green Collar Economy” is helping to shape the Administration’s climate and energy policies.

Jones believes that saving the environment and saving the job market could go hand-in-hand.  He also knows that a thick head of Hair attracts heat, and does his part to battle global warming by reflecting the sun’s rays back into the atmosphere with his shiny Bald pate.


Miss Virginia Will Take It All Off For Money

April 6, 2009
Wanna see her shaved?

Wanna see her shaved?

Beauty contest winner and reigning Miss Virginia Tara Wheeler has vowed to shave her head if she can raise $500,000 for pediatric cancer research.  But so far Wheeler’s take is still in the 5-digits, and the deadline is less than a week away.

…if Wheeler falls short, she vows to shave her head anyway — she’ll just wait until she’s finished her reign this summer. “Society needs to take a second look at how we deem someone pretty,” she said, explaining why she was drawn to the St. Baldrick’s Foundation.

Bravo to Tara for seeing the beauty in Bald.  If you want to pitch in, you can donate to her cause at the St. Baldrick’s Foundation website.


Bald Is Back: “Fast And Furious” Breaks B.O. Records

April 5, 2009
Back and Balder than ever.

ReVinge is a dish best served Bald.

All of Hollywood is pulling their Hair out today trying to figure out how “Fast And Furious” made a record-smashing $72 million over the weekend.  But we here at the Bald Wall weren’t surprised at all.  When you look at these other record-breaking debuts, a pattern clearly emerges:

xxx-225x300

“xXx” –  $46 million

bruce-willis-thumbnail

“Live Free or Die Hard” –   $48.3 million (most successful “Die Hard” in the series)

kevin-spacey-thumb“Superman Returns” –  $53.5 million

dr-manhattan-thumbnail“Watchmen” –  $55.2 million

imhotep“The Mummy Returns” –   $70.1 million

dr-evil“Austin Powers in Goldmember” –  $73 million

will-smith-thumb-1‘I Am Legend” –  $77.2 million  (highest December opening weekend ever)

morpheus-thumb“The Matrix Reloaded” –  $91.8 million  (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)

patrick-stewart-thumb-1“X-Men:  The Last Stand” –  $107 million  (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)

Get the message, Hairywood.  Bald puts butts in the seats.  Better start expanding theaters for Crank 2 while you can.

And a hard-earned standing ovation to Bald Wall member Vinny D!!!

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


UPDATE: $30 Million In One Day!!!

April 4, 2009

Shhhh.

Shhhh.

Bald action star Vin Diesel silenced his Haired haters on Friday, as “Fast And Furious” grossed an astonishing $30 million in one day!


“FAST AND FURIOUS” Review: Diesel Still Bald

April 3, 2009
Some things never change.

Shorn Again.

Mal Vincent at the Virginian-Pilot has an exclusive “FAF” review!  And from the sound of things, the movie’s got plenty of skin:

Vin Diesel returns his smooth pate to center screen today in “Fast & Furious”...  In doing so, he brings the conversation about bald heroes and anti-heroes to a head.

Click here for the rest!


THE BALD WALL: VIN DIESEL

April 2, 2009
This picture is hilarious.
The Bald Stallone.
i-am-legend-20071022044404088-000

Will Smith.

bruce-willis-live-free-or-die-harder

Bruce Willis.

Jason Statham.

Jason Statham.

The guy who played Hitman.

The "Hitman" guy.

If there’s anything the 2000’s have taught Hollywood, it should be this:  America likes our action heroes Bald.  British Bald Jason Statham has racked up an impressive stream of moneymakers, while established actors like Will Smith and Bruce Willis found their biggest audiences in years with Bald-centric actioneers.

This wasn’t always the case.

In the 20th Century, Balds in cinema were relegated to supporting roles at best.  They were either clumsy doofuses or diabolical villains — and sometimes both.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

K.O.ing stereotypes.

Balds couldn’t take these negative stereotypes lying down.  Taking a cue from their African-American brothers, Balds in the 1970’s produced gritty Baldsploitation filmmaking that showed Balds could not only play Leads, but be just as heroic, badass, and sexual as their Haired counterparts.  But their budgets were no match for a Hairobsessed Hollywood, and despite their valiant efforts, Balds would spend the next thirty years continuing to play clowns, freaks, and Nazis.

And then in 2001, the world changed forever.

A Breakthrough Bald arrived who shattered Hollywood’s glass ceiling.  A Bald who broke the unwritten rule that action stars must have Hair, no matter how fake.

His name was Mark Sinclair Vincent.  But the world knows him better as Vin Diesel.

InVincible.

InVincible.

2001’s “The Fast And The Furious” is a landmark film in Bald Culture.  In a vein similar to “The Defiant Ones” before it, “TFATF” tells the story of a Haired man forced by circumstance into an uneasy friendship with a Bald man, and how it opens the Haired man’s mind and changes his worldview.

"He's just like me!"

"Why... he's no different than I."

Paul Walker plays the penultimate Hair, his blond highlit locks glowing with privilege and entitlement, who goes undercover to arrest his Bald target.  But once they meet, he finds that Balds aren’t so different from Hairs after all…  in fact, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.

As the Bald Dom Torreto, Vin Diesel knows his way around an engine (and a woman).  And when the time comes for Paul Walker to bring him in, the hesitant Hair can’t bring himself to do it.  He  lets his Bald brother ride off into freedom rather than turn him over to a corrupt system that would put him away just for the smoothness of his scalp.

The critically-acclaimed film became an out-of-nowhere blockbuster that suggested relations between Hairs and Balds had mellowed from previous generations.  The studio heads took notice, and with dollar signs in their eyes, they decided to make a big bet on Bald.

A New Breed of Action Star.

A "New Breed" of Action Star.

Was the musclebound Diesel strong enough to carry a movie on his own, despite having no Hair? The world eagerly awaited the answer as production began on “xXx”.

I guess.

The Year 2002.

Adopting the formula of the Baldsploitation movies he saw as a boy, and adding a huge studio budget behind it, Vin Diesel created a Bald uberhero for the Mountain Dew generation in an attempt to cement his legacy as The Bald Stallone.  It worked.  When the receipts came in, the new reality was official:  “xXx” made $$$, and suddenly Bald equaled Box Office.

And for a glorious and short-lived moment, Vin Diesel was on top of the world.

The Hairs wouldn’t let him stay there for long.

A big Bald target.

A big Bald target.

The pressure of surviving as a Bald man in a Haired industry did not leave Diesel unscathed.  Baldism was alive and well in Tinseltown, and Diesel’s success only stoked the flames in the hearts of his Haired haters.

Rock bottom.

Rock bottom.

The campaign to destroy him began.  They started inexplicable rumors that he was gay.  They convinced the industry that he was overhyped.  And they dumped him from the “Furious” sequel when he asked to be paid the same amount as  Haired action stars.  After some years in the wilderness, with a string of flops and misfires culminating in the nadir of “Find Me Guilty” (where a desperate and confused Diesel succumbed to wearing a hairpiece), Diesel learned a valuable lesson:  “dance with the ones who brung ‘ya'”.   In 2009’s “Fast and Furious”, he returned to form in the role that made him a star… and proved to Hollywood that Balds mean business.

See “Fast And Furious” in theaters this weekend!

Vindicated.

Vindicated.

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


Bana Too Bald for Box Office?

April 2, 2009
Hollywood to Bana:  Grow It Back NOW!

Hollywood to Bana: no Hair, no movie!

In a blatant case of Baldism, the Hollywood producers behind “The Time Traveler’s Wife” have delayed production on their movie until star Eric Bana grows an acceptable head of Hair.

Says Haired co-star Rachel McAdams:

“Eric was the hold-up. He had to shave his head for a different role, for Star Trek, I think.  So we were waiting on Eric’s Hair,” she told Sci Fi Wire.

Bana went Bald to play the evil Romulan Nero in J.J. Abrams’ upcoming “Star Trek” movie. Apparently Baldness is fine for villains, but when it comes to playing a romantic lead, it’s a dealbreaker.  Instead of telling Bana to grow it out, maybe Hollywood should just grow up.


Bimp Palace Goes Up In Flames

April 1, 2009
Just a reminder:  Balds should always wear sunblock.

Just a reminder: Balds should always wear sunblock.

It’s hard out there for a Bimp.  Just when you’ve selected your favorite Victoria’s Secret model to marry and the future’s looking positively peachy, your Idaho ski lodge burns to the ground in a blaze. Luckily Willis escaped without injury.

Our hearts and prayers go out to The Bimp and his bride.  If you’d like to donate money to the Willises to help them rebuild, click here.


Megan Fox Shaves Her Head BALD!

April 1, 2009
Jennifer's Baldy.

Jennifer's Baldy.

Who’s that girl?

None other than sultry “Transformers 2” actress Megan Fox, who revealed her newly bald pate last night at the premiere for Seth Rogen laffer “Observe And Report“.

The sexy siren shaved her head for an upcoming role in Fox 2000’s remake of “Alien Nation“.  The original 1988 science fiction film about a family of aliens trying to adapt to earthly suburban life was a smart allegory about racism and sexism, and spawned an acclaimed television series which only ran for one season but has since become a cult classic.  In the new film, Fox will play alien Susan Francisco, a “Newcomer” who lobbies for the right to vote.

And speaking of newcomers…  welcome to the club, Megan!

UPDATE:  APRIL FOOLS!


ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES:

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606*Click here to see Vin Diesel‘s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!

000000128657-emma_heming-thumb1

*Click here for Bruce Willis‘s Victoria’s Secret vixen Emma Heming!

34 *Click here for half-assed head-shaver Cassie Ventura!


Bimp (noun): Bald Pimp

April 1, 2009
The Bimp.

The Bimp.

Is Bruce Willis the coolest Bald of all?  We knew he had married a sexy young swimsuit model over the weekend, but now reports are coming in on exactly how an Alpha Bald picks out his bride:

BRUCE Willis, 54, and his new wife, Emma Heming, 30, didn’t meet through friends, as his pals have insisted in fact, the superstar actor hand-picked her as a perfect stranger.

Emma Hemming.

Emma Heming.

An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”

At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.

Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”

The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.

Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.

Wow.

Alpha Bald doesn’t even do this man justice anymore.

Big Bimpin'.

Big Bimpin'.

Name a Haired man (that doesn’t start with the prefix “Al-“) who can order up a bevy of bodacious beauties to be paraded before him for his choosing like this.  Not since Imhotep has any Bald weilded such commanding authority in the pursuit of his lustful whims.  Bruce Willis may not be the most powerful Bald in the universe, but when it comes to the opposite sex, this groundbreaking Baldbanger is blazing trails few Balds have ever traveled.

Thus the invention of a new term is in order:  Bimp. Definition?  Bald Pimp.  Synonym?  Bruce f&%kin’ Willis.

Hats off to you, sir.

You have chosen...  wisely.

You have chosen... wisely.

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*Click here for more Emma Heming!


THE BALD WALL: DR. MANHATTAN

March 31, 2009
The most powerful Bald of all.

The most powerful Bald of all.

Dr. Manhattan, of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ seminal 1986 graphic novel “Watchmen”, stands alone as perhaps the most powerful Bald in the history of all fiction (though some might disagree).

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

When a scientific experiment goes awry, physicist Jon Osterman is transformed into a blue-skinned enigma with unfathomable control over every cell, atom, and particle in the known universe (the accident also takes his hair, a common DC trope).  The newly Bald Jon is immediately contracted by the United States government and given the name Doctor Manhattan.  He proceeds to carry out any and every order given to him by his Haired superiors, including wiping out indigenous Vietnamese soldiers with a mere point of his quantum-powered finger.  But his social life suffers the same fate:  Jon’s radically-altered perception of life is impossible for his friends and lovers to relate to.   Try as he might, his great abilities are unable to prevent every relationship he ever cherished from falling apart as a result of his “unexpected change”.

Many of us can relate.

It's not easy being Bald.

It's not easy being Bald.

Dr. Manhattan’s story in “Watchmen” centers around his increasing isolation and gradual withdrawal from the rest of human society as he comes to realize more and more how irrevocably different he is from everyone around him.  Whether it was Moore’s intention or not, the tale of Dr. Manhattan is an obvious parable for the Bald Experience in America in the ’80’s.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

It was in the ’80’s that anti-Bald technology blossomed and led to the creation of a lucrative industry.  Surgeon William Rassman pioneered the use of micrograft hair transplants, and founded the hate group New Hair Institute.  Entreprenuer Sy Sperling introduced his even more successful Hair Club For Men to the world, with its famous slogan “I’m not just the president, I’m also a client,” featuring photos documenting Sperling’s own transformation from undesirable Bald to eligible Haired ladykiller.  Hundreds more companies sprung up in their wake.  With some 35 million Bald or balding men in America alone, there was clearly a fortune to be made.

The only problem:  in order to sell their many hair restoration products, companies like Hair Club For Men and NHI would have to convince the populace at large that being Bald was bad.   Awful, in fact.  A disease that needed to be cured.

Consumed by ’80’s era greed, they embarked on a remorseless marketing campaign that would forever affect the Bald community’s standing in the social structure, with hate-filled ads like this one:

The result:  their products flew off the shelves.  Entreprenuers like Sperling became millionaires overnight.  And a generation of Bald men became walking pariahs, wasting the best years of their lives pouring their hard earned money into a variety of different snake oils, or trading their dignity for a lousy toupee  (It’s no mistake that Moore’s Dr. Manhattan is depicted as flaccid and unable to please women sexually).

The Moore Code.

Moore's Code.

With such power and influence at their fingertips, these newly crowned titans of the Hair Restoration industry could shut down anybody who tried to challenge the Anti-Bald narrative they so efficiently concocted and weaved through 1980’s culture.  That Moore was able to hide such a damning indictment of them in the pages of the bestselling graphic novel of all time is just another testament to his unmatched brilliance…  and another layer to examine in his most unforgettable and tragic creation, Dr. Manhattan — the God who wasn’t Haired.


Awesome Commercial

March 31, 2009

If you want to be the best, you’ve got to go Bald.


Side Hair

March 30, 2009
Making a point.

Let's use this opportunity to make a point.

For all that has been written about the Republican Party’s gaffe-prone new chairman Michael Steele, there is one thing no other publication has yet pointed out:  his Side Hair.

For those not in the know, Side Hair means you are not Bald.  Side Hair is what keeps Haired men from joining the Bald ranks with self-esteem and confidence.  Instead, they grip to their fading Haired lifestyle until the bitter end, no matter how pitiful and aesthetically unpleasant they look in the process.

Director/Side Hair enthusiast Ron Howard

Director/Side Hair enthusiast Ron Howard

Side hair is a culturally accepted norm in our society, which is quite strange if you think about it.  Men with side hair run corporations, Wall Street, and even government.  But their undue respect, and the power that comes with it, is simply a result of prejudices left over from previous generations.  Prejudices that have yet to be entirely stamped out.  Prejudices that teach our young men that side hair is still better than no hair at all.

Is it?  Is it, Ron Howard?

If there’s anything the Bald Wall stands firmly against — in neverending, unwavering opposition — it’s Side Hair.  A Bald man with side hair is like a Black Republican:  a confused anomaly ashamed of who he is, desperately trying to stay in a club that crossed his name off the list a long time ago.  He tries to ride the line and play both sides of the court (Bald on top, Haired on the sides!  A little something for everybody!).  It never works, and only burnishes his image as a weakling afraid to make to stand.  He is easily shifted by the slightest wind, chasing popular trends in an attempt to gain credibility, forever seeking to please everybody at once…  and inevitably loses his own soul in the process.

A message for those of you with Side Hair:   Either go big or go home.  GOP Chairmen cannot be fence-sitters, Michael Steele.  Shave it all off, accept who you are, and who knows:  you might find the Republican Party suddenly attracting female fans like it hasn’t since the days of Ike.

Before...

Before...

After?

After?


Bruce Willis Marries Hot Bikini Model

March 30, 2009
The Bald and the Beautiful.

The Bald and the Beautiful.

Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis married a bikini model more than 20 years his junior this weekend in the Carribbean, reports the Miami Herald.

The Bald Wall congratulates one of its most esteemed members, and invites all our Haired readers to TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!!!!

Bald Chaser.

Bald Chaser.


A Bald Affair To Remember

March 30, 2009
When I was 33... it was a very good year...

"When I was 33... it was a very good year..."

Oops! ...I Did It With Fred Durst

Oops! ...I Did Fred Durst

Fred Durst is known for constantly reminiscing on the early 2000’s with a glisten in his eye.  In this week’s People, Durst recalls with fondness his 2003 affair with fellow Bald Britney Spears:

“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since.  (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”

Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too).  Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.

Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste.  Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist.  It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards.  As they say, “Once you go Bald…”


Happy St. Patty’s: Colin Farrell Voted Hottest Irishman

March 18, 2009
Bullseye.  Eh?  Eh.

Bullseye. Eh? Eh.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Gather.com just declared Colin Farrell the “Hottest Irishman” (after several rounds of drinks, one imagines).   Though the Bald Wall can’t comment one way or another, we must admit that you’d have to be blind not to marvel at such a curvaceous cranium.


JOHN TRAVOLTA: Better Bald?

February 2, 2009
john-travolta32

In the closet.

ajohn_travolta_1_wenn222356__opt1

Openly Bald.

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Better Bald?
( surveys)


THE BALD WALL: LEX LUTHOR

January 6, 2009

It may seem odd that only the third Bald to ever be discussed on our site is a fictional character born in 1940 in tri-color pointilism on newsprint, rather than a living breathing human being.  Thus is the awful, lasting significance and influence of Lex Luthor, a man whose legacy has been so destructive, whose shadow has spread so darkly over the second half of the 20th Century and beyond, bringing pain and suffering to Balds everywhere, that he can conceivably be seen as the Bald Hitler.

Lex Luthor, 1979

Lex Luthor addressing the Legion of Doom, 1979

Lex Luthor is a master supervillain, arguably the epitome of the Criminal Mastermind (Bald or otherwise) archetype that has permeated fiction since the days of Iago and Richard II.  As the arch-nemesis of DC Comics’ Superman — the uber-handsome idealized American male — Luthor is known the world-over for being two things:   the EXACT POLAR OPPOSITE of everything a man wants to be, and Bald.

luthor-1As if this combination wasn’t unfortunate enough, there is a much deeper and darker level to Luthor’s evil, something exhibiting true hatred for our people, a hatred that, through lifelong cultural osmosis, we have likely taken up against ourselves to degrees we’re unable (or unwilling) to admit.

Luthor is the worst criminal there could ever be, the Baddest Guy amongst Bad Guys, the villain all the other villains elected to lead of the Legion of Doom. And why, you ask?  Why would this clearly brilliant man, this unrivaled inventor, dedicate his unparalleled scientific mind and his vast financial fortune towards a lifetime of impractical aggression and periodic incarceration for no personal gain whatsoever save the sociopathic satisfaction of destroying the world, humanity, and everything that is good?

Why, it’s obvious:  because he is Bald.

superman_superboy-luthor

When We Were Haired.

That’s right.  Lex Luthor was actually once Superboy’s best pal.  They did science projects together, they might have even had a little thing going for a minute here and there, but they were unquestionably bros.  Such bros that when curious young Lex’s latest experiment went bad and started a huge fire in his basement laboratory,  Superboy flew in to save the day and pummeled the flames right out with the gale-wind force of his mighty super-breath.  There was collateral damage, however.  In the act of trying to save his friend, Superboy’s super-breath unknowingly blew off all of Luthor’s hair.

Who can blame him.

Who can blame him.

From this, it was a straight line to supervillainy.  No further explanation was needed for friendly Lex’s change in demeanor.  If someone made you Bald — even it was your best-est friend and they did it by accident amidst the greater act of saving you from a burning building — you’d want to kill them so bad that you would become Lex Luthor, the most infatigible cretin of 20th Century fiction.

Hackman's tastefully crafted image.

Gene Half-ass.

And if this stain on our history wasn’t dark enough, along came Gene Hackman to play Luthor in the 1978 “Superman” movie.  Although a respected actor known for his versatility and willingness to adopt unflattering appearances (“The Conversation”, “Scarecrow”) in selfless service of a meaty role, Hackman drew the line at tackling that single most irredeemable thespian sacrifice:  being Bald.  He compromised and wore a bald cap for just long enough to establish himself as the internationally-recognized character from the comics.  But as soon as the celluloid Lex Luthor breaks out of jail, the first thing he does is put on a toupee that will never leave his head for the remaining three movies (save the occasional swim or prison stretch).  For what else does a Bald Man dream of, but Hair?  Even if imprisoned, his peers’ shared fantasies of freedom are matched in their unquenchable need by his desire for productive hair follicles.

And don’t even mention the forgettable version phoned in by Kevin Spacey in Bryan Singer’s inanimate “Thuperman Returns”, in which we learn that a Bald villain is a villain so unsubstantial to our hero as to not even require defeat.

The ramifications of Lex Luthor’s Baldness have carved a thousand little Lindsay Lohan cuts into the wrists of every Bald man walking the earth today whether he consciously knows it or not.  Whereas the thickly raven-Haired Kal-El soars through the skies as the penultimate alpha male aspiration, the Hairless and piggish Lex Luthor is the Bald receptacle of our species’ most loathed self-images, perpetually hunching over his heartless control boards, cursing the world, in need of extravagant armor to counter his frail physical impotence, obsessively collecting every material possession he can in a futile effort to compensate for the one lone thing he truly ever wanted but can never have:      his hair back.

luthor-hair

Bald Man's Burden.

Could the most influential Bald of the 20th Century be its most despised villain?  These are the questions that will keep Bald historians awake for a millenia of nights to come.

————

NOTE:  Lex Luthor is but one of many Bald Criminal Masterminds in popular fiction.


THE BALD WALL: MICHAEL CHIKLIS

December 21, 2008

At the tender age of 20, a hungry and dedicated strapping young theater actor named Mike Chiklis shaved areas of his head to play a 65-year-old man with male-pattern Baldness in a production of “You Can’t Take It With You”.  Instead of using the standard powder on his head (as he did on his face), he used greasepaint, and failed to remove it properly at the end of each day.  When the play finished its run, young Chiklis was informed he had killed most of the hair follicles on his head, and would be stuck with this tri-hawkish, Mr. Tesque “male pattern Baldness” look for the rest of his life.

Chiklis admits that the next decade was not the easiest for him.

A broken man.

A broken man.

Jump to 1991.  As the eponymous star of primetime hit “The Commish”, a grown-up and beaten-down Chiklis sported a thinning, emasculating hairdo that is all-too-recognizable to most of us.  Combined with the predictably rotund figure that develops when years of sexual frustration are placated by morbid binge eating, the formerly hungry young stage actor’s now-feckless appearance damned him to a career of light comic roles, no matter what he may have had in mind for himself.  His “Commish” character, upstate NY police commissioner Tony Scali, was forced to work through problems with humor and creativity rather than with violence or force — after all, who’s afraid of this man?

No one.

No one.

With plenty of network-check laurels to rest on, Chiklis’s agents told him to kick back and relax on this gravy train.  Despite his early greasepaint setback, he had persevered and was now on track to sail into entertainment history as a poor man’s Jim Belushi — a living inspiration for all the future Kevin James‘s of the world.  Chiklis should have been content.  But he wasn’t content.  Because underneath his drooping, balding, pear-shaped exterior, Michael Chiklis was still a man.

A wild animal in captivity.

How long can a man piss sitting down before he decides to stand up?

A man doesn’t want to solve small-town crimes in a family-friendly timeslot on ABC.  A man wants to fuck. A man wants to punch and kick and shoot guns.  To throw things against the wall and hear them shatter.  A man wants to crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of their women.  There was animal inside Chiklis, clawing at his skull to be released.  We all have that animal in us.  Most of us struggle our whole lives to keep it locked up.

Michael Chiklis let it out.

0000034809_200610210148471

Natural Born Killer.

policecar_2

Now, having ridden the razor’s edge straight to a starring role on the significantly-tougher TV show “The Shield”, the name Michael Chiklis is synonomous with the kind of rough and tumble murder and mayhem that would have caused his Commish character of yesteryear to defecate in his pleated pants.  A yearned- after sex object amongst women and men alike, Chiklis has clearly defeated his demons.  He took that youthful accident and not only embraced it, but wrestled it to the ground and unloaded a clip into the back of its head.

Our protector.

Bald takes care of its own.

Though small in stature, Chiklis is a walking giant amongst the Bald community — the one we see in the mirror after we bench press, the one we imagine we resemble when we pull a tight fitted T over our smooth heads in the morning.  When a leering teenager snickers at us in the cinema ticket line with our wife, and it only takes an icy look and a brief snarl to shut him up — that’s the contribution Michael Chiklis has made to Bald culture.  The Bald have always lived a more persecuted life than the average passerby.  They have had two options to deal with this dilemma:  make the Haired love them… or fear them.  By projecting such brutal ferocity in his work, Chiklis has brought about the latter.  He created a lasting perception of “The Short Bald Man Who Will Kick Your Ass” that was so visceral, it is assuredly embedded in the minds of any potential tormentors — a caution light that flashes in their head before they dare to make a snide comment, warning them that maybe, just maybe, their bald target might go all “Vic Mackey” on them and respond with a faceful of fist.

In this way, the legacy of Michael Chiklis protects all Bald men.  He is our Shield.

————-

NOTE:  Though Michael Chiklis also notably played The Thing, this will be discussed on The Thing’s page, as he too is Bald.


THE BALD WALL: FRED DURST

December 20, 2008

Before we can celebrate Baldness, we must first discuss Fred Durst.  In many ways, he is a mirror for all Bald men — at least, for the ones who don’t like the reflection staring back at them.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Surprisingly, Fred Durst always seemed more ashamed of his Baldness than of his years spent rap-singing as the cargo-shorted frontman of Limp Bizkit.  The former tattoo artist should have been able to employ his inking talents towards rocking out his Baldness (see Mike Tyson) the way he rocked out crowds of rapists at Woodstock ’99.   Instead, he cowardly hid his receding hairline under countless backwards red caps well into his late thirties.  When plunging sales forced him to switch things up and try out a radical sans hat video (the self-directed, allegedly-sexy “Behind Blue Eyes” featuring Halle Berry), nu-metal fans’ hunches were confirmed:  Durst had yet to accept the inevitable and break out the razor.  There he was, still desperately clinging to any remaining patches and tufts he could bleach.   Like its predecessors, the video was met with universal scorn, and Limp Bizkit’s fanbase moved on to Balder pastures.  Meanwhile, the tattoo skills that could have saved him all along were wasted drawing iconic Haired artists on his chest (blonde Kurt Cobain, pompadoured Elvis Presley), as if their rich, full locks would somehow compensate for his lack thereof.

A beard is not hair.

A beard is not hair.

Today, forced to hang his hat and admit the truth, Fred Durst’s sad proto-Baldness conveys an admission of defeat rather than the proud statement of defiance one would expect from the man who wrote “My Way (or the Highway)” and “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)”.  It is certain that an unhealthy percentage of his quiet moments are spent modeling a red backwards cap in a forever-mirror and trying to remember the good ol’ days when this combination was found attractive by such luminaries as Christina Aguilera.  Perhaps if he had embraced his Baldness from the beginning, his current look would not be such an obstacle to maintaining a level of self-esteem appropriate for a retired nu-metal performer.  Alas, he fought his fate and lost.  Fred Durst is not a good role model for the modern Bald man.  Fortunately there are others who can point the way.