Statham’s Semi-Baldness Grabs Semi-Box Office

April 21, 2009
Jason needs a jump.

Jason needs a jump.

Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office.  But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds.  “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.

Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.

Bald Is Back: “Fast And Furious” Breaks B.O. Records

April 5, 2009
Back and Balder than ever.

ReVinge is a dish best served Bald.

All of Hollywood is pulling their Hair out today trying to figure out how “Fast And Furious” made a record-smashing $72 million over the weekend.  But we here at the Bald Wall weren’t surprised at all.  When you look at these other record-breaking debuts, a pattern clearly emerges:


“xXx” –  $46 million


“Live Free or Die Hard” –   $48.3 million (most successful “Die Hard” in the series)

kevin-spacey-thumb“Superman Returns” –  $53.5 million

dr-manhattan-thumbnail“Watchmen” –  $55.2 million

imhotep“The Mummy Returns” –   $70.1 million

dr-evil“Austin Powers in Goldmember” –  $73 million

will-smith-thumb-1‘I Am Legend” –  $77.2 million  (highest December opening weekend ever)

morpheus-thumb“The Matrix Reloaded” –  $91.8 million  (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)

patrick-stewart-thumb-1“X-Men:  The Last Stand” –  $107 million  (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)

Get the message, Hairywood.  Bald puts butts in the seats.  Better start expanding theaters for Crank 2 while you can.

And a hard-earned standing ovation to Bald Wall member Vinny D!!!

paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!

UPDATE: $30 Million In One Day!!!

April 4, 2009



Bald action star Vin Diesel silenced his Haired haters on Friday, as “Fast And Furious” grossed an astonishing $30 million in one day!

“FAST AND FURIOUS” Review: Diesel Still Bald

April 3, 2009
Some things never change.

Shorn Again.

Mal Vincent at the Virginian-Pilot has an exclusive “FAF” review!  And from the sound of things, the movie’s got plenty of skin:

Vin Diesel returns his smooth pate to center screen today in “Fast & Furious”...  In doing so, he brings the conversation about bald heroes and anti-heroes to a head.

Click here for the rest!


April 2, 2009
This picture is hilarious.
The Bald Stallone.

Will Smith.


Bruce Willis.

Jason Statham.

Jason Statham.

The guy who played Hitman.

The "Hitman" guy.

If there’s anything the 2000’s have taught Hollywood, it should be this:  America likes our action heroes Bald.  British Bald Jason Statham has racked up an impressive stream of moneymakers, while established actors like Will Smith and Bruce Willis found their biggest audiences in years with Bald-centric actioneers.

This wasn’t always the case.

In the 20th Century, Balds in cinema were relegated to supporting roles at best.  They were either clumsy doofuses or diabolical villains — and sometimes both. stereotypes. stereotypes.

Balds couldn’t take these negative stereotypes lying down.  Taking a cue from their African-American brothers, Balds in the 1970’s produced gritty Baldsploitation filmmaking that showed Balds could not only play Leads, but be just as heroic, badass, and sexual as their Haired counterparts.  But their budgets were no match for a Hairobsessed Hollywood, and despite their valiant efforts, Balds would spend the next thirty years continuing to play clowns, freaks, and Nazis.

And then in 2001, the world changed forever.

A Breakthrough Bald arrived who shattered Hollywood’s glass ceiling.  A Bald who broke the unwritten rule that action stars must have Hair, no matter how fake.

His name was Mark Sinclair Vincent.  But the world knows him better as Vin Diesel.



2001’s “The Fast And The Furious” is a landmark film in Bald Culture.  In a vein similar to “The Defiant Ones” before it, “TFATF” tells the story of a Haired man forced by circumstance into an uneasy friendship with a Bald man, and how it opens the Haired man’s mind and changes his worldview.

"He's just like me!"

"Why... he's no different than I."

Paul Walker plays the penultimate Hair, his blond highlit locks glowing with privilege and entitlement, who goes undercover to arrest his Bald target.  But once they meet, he finds that Balds aren’t so different from Hairs after all…  in fact, he could probably learn a thing or two from them.

As the Bald Dom Torreto, Vin Diesel knows his way around an engine (and a woman).  And when the time comes for Paul Walker to bring him in, the hesitant Hair can’t bring himself to do it.  He  lets his Bald brother ride off into freedom rather than turn him over to a corrupt system that would put him away just for the smoothness of his scalp.

The critically-acclaimed film became an out-of-nowhere blockbuster that suggested relations between Hairs and Balds had mellowed from previous generations.  The studio heads took notice, and with dollar signs in their eyes, they decided to make a big bet on Bald.

A New Breed of Action Star.

A "New Breed" of Action Star.

Was the musclebound Diesel strong enough to carry a movie on his own, despite having no Hair? The world eagerly awaited the answer as production began on “xXx”.

I guess.

The Year 2002.

Adopting the formula of the Baldsploitation movies he saw as a boy, and adding a huge studio budget behind it, Vin Diesel created a Bald uberhero for the Mountain Dew generation in an attempt to cement his legacy as The Bald Stallone.  It worked.  When the receipts came in, the new reality was official:  “xXx” made $$$, and suddenly Bald equaled Box Office.

And for a glorious and short-lived moment, Vin Diesel was on top of the world.

The Hairs wouldn’t let him stay there for long.

A big Bald target.

A big Bald target.

The pressure of surviving as a Bald man in a Haired industry did not leave Diesel unscathed.  Baldism was alive and well in Tinseltown, and Diesel’s success only stoked the flames in the hearts of his Haired haters.

Rock bottom.

Rock bottom.

The campaign to destroy him began.  They started inexplicable rumors that he was gay.  They convinced the industry that he was overhyped.  And they dumped him from the “Furious” sequel when he asked to be paid the same amount as  Haired action stars.  After some years in the wilderness, with a string of flops and misfires culminating in the nadir of “Find Me Guilty” (where a desperate and confused Diesel succumbed to wearing a hairpiece), Diesel learned a valuable lesson:  “dance with the ones who brung ‘ya'”.   In 2009’s “Fast and Furious”, he returned to form in the role that made him a star… and proved to Hollywood that Balds mean business.

See “Fast And Furious” in theaters this weekend!



paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!