Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.


Stretch it out, Halle.

A Bald Affair To Remember

March 30, 2009
When I was 33... it was a very good year...

"When I was 33... it was a very good year..."

Oops! ...I Did It With Fred Durst

Oops! ...I Did Fred Durst

Fred Durst is known for constantly reminiscing on the early 2000’s with a glisten in his eye.  In this week’s People, Durst recalls with fondness his 2003 affair with fellow Bald Britney Spears:

“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since.  (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”

Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too).  Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.

Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste.  Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist.  It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards.  As they say, “Once you go Bald…”


December 20, 2008

Before we can celebrate Baldness, we must first discuss Fred Durst.  In many ways, he is a mirror for all Bald men — at least, for the ones who don’t like the reflection staring back at them.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Surprisingly, Fred Durst always seemed more ashamed of his Baldness than of his years spent rap-singing as the cargo-shorted frontman of Limp Bizkit.  The former tattoo artist should have been able to employ his inking talents towards rocking out his Baldness (see Mike Tyson) the way he rocked out crowds of rapists at Woodstock ’99.   Instead, he cowardly hid his receding hairline under countless backwards red caps well into his late thirties.  When plunging sales forced him to switch things up and try out a radical sans hat video (the self-directed, allegedly-sexy “Behind Blue Eyes” featuring Halle Berry), nu-metal fans’ hunches were confirmed:  Durst had yet to accept the inevitable and break out the razor.  There he was, still desperately clinging to any remaining patches and tufts he could bleach.   Like its predecessors, the video was met with universal scorn, and Limp Bizkit’s fanbase moved on to Balder pastures.  Meanwhile, the tattoo skills that could have saved him all along were wasted drawing iconic Haired artists on his chest (blonde Kurt Cobain, pompadoured Elvis Presley), as if their rich, full locks would somehow compensate for his lack thereof.

A beard is not hair.

A beard is not hair.

Today, forced to hang his hat and admit the truth, Fred Durst’s sad proto-Baldness conveys an admission of defeat rather than the proud statement of defiance one would expect from the man who wrote “My Way (or the Highway)” and “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)”.  It is certain that an unhealthy percentage of his quiet moments are spent modeling a red backwards cap in a forever-mirror and trying to remember the good ol’ days when this combination was found attractive by such luminaries as Christina Aguilera.  Perhaps if he had embraced his Baldness from the beginning, his current look would not be such an obstacle to maintaining a level of self-esteem appropriate for a retired nu-metal performer.  Alas, he fought his fate and lost.  Fred Durst is not a good role model for the modern Bald man.  Fortunately there are others who can point the way.