FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.

UPDATE:

Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.


The Saddest Bald Story of 2009 So Far

May 29, 2009
Really?  REALLY?

Really? REALLY?

There is nothing more indicative of Bald Shame than this “Dear Prudence” letter on Slate today, entitled, “My husband thinks I don’t know he wears a hairpiece”.  Read it and weep:

As we lay in bed one night, I noticed what looked like hairspray or gel buildup on his hairline. He was fast asleep, so I went to scratch it off, and what I thought was gel turned out to be the tape of his toupee! Here he had been wearing a toupee all this time, and I never had the faintest idea.

Sigh.

Go ahead, have a laugh.


Joe the (even) Dumber

May 5, 2009
Plumbing the depths.

Plumbing the depths.

Is The Bald Wall going to have to revoke another member this week?  We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking).  But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block.  Via Huff Post:

Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

Buncha flags...

Buncha flags...

Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall.  Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here?  Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?

Beards.

Beards.

Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all.  Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards.  There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!

In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation.  The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor.  The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.

Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon.  Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention).  And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:

THE BALD WALL:  THE DEVIL

COMING SOON


“OBSERVE” and RETORT!

May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.


But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.


Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.

halle-berry-1-lg1

Stretch it out, Halle.


SPLIT ENDS: In a Panic, Statham Agrees to “The Mechanic”

April 22, 2009
Original.

Winner's "Mechanic".

Poser.

Wigger's "Mechanic"?

If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this:  desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”.  In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.

Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:

Real good choice, Hairywood.  In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round:  has he learned his lesson?  Will he finally trim down?  Or totally wig out?

The Bald’s in your court, Mr. Statham.

From ComingSoon.


Mario Jumps on the Baldwagon; Berry right behind

April 22, 2009

Following in the footsteps of his R&B peer Cassie, “Braid My Hair” singer Mario did an about face this week and took the clippers down to zero:

Mario Bros.

Mario Bros.

What do you think?  Is Mario the next Britney, or just another celeb jumping on the Baldwagon?

Berrah Fawcett.

Berrah Fawcett.

Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft.  The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.

What’s the deal?  Are all these people just trying to sleep with Emma Heming?

Via Singersroom.