FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.


Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.

The Saddest Bald Story of 2009 So Far

May 29, 2009
Really?  REALLY?

Really? REALLY?

There is nothing more indicative of Bald Shame than this “Dear Prudence” letter on Slate today, entitled, “My husband thinks I don’t know he wears a hairpiece”.  Read it and weep:

As we lay in bed one night, I noticed what looked like hairspray or gel buildup on his hairline. He was fast asleep, so I went to scratch it off, and what I thought was gel turned out to be the tape of his toupee! Here he had been wearing a toupee all this time, and I never had the faintest idea.


Go ahead, have a laugh.

Joe the (even) Dumber

May 5, 2009
Plumbing the depths.

Plumbing the depths.

Is The Bald Wall going to have to revoke another member this week?  We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking).  But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block.  Via Huff Post:

Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

Buncha flags...

Buncha flags...

Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall.  Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here?  Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?



Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all.  Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards.  There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!

In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation.  The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor.  The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.

Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon.  Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention).  And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:




May 4, 2009

It's not a game, Fox.

Fox plays a dangerous game.

Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness

Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately.  Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.

But at what expense?

Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show.  A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.

What joys do we have to look forward to next?  Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

The abyss stares back, Cerveris.

Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen.  Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”.  Can Jim Crow laws be far behind?  (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)

Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.

That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.

Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds.  You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie.  In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”

Membership…  Revoked!

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

I hope you can sleep at night, Mike.

Berry on Baldwatch

April 22, 2009

halle20berry2001201105THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

The Last Days Of Halle Hairy

Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already.  Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).

If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real.  But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.


Stretch it out, Halle.

SPLIT ENDS: In a Panic, Statham Agrees to “The Mechanic”

April 22, 2009

Winner's "Mechanic".


Wigger's "Mechanic"?

If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this:  desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”.  In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.

Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:

Real good choice, Hairywood.  In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round:  has he learned his lesson?  Will he finally trim down?  Or totally wig out?

The Bald’s in your court, Mr. Statham.

From ComingSoon.

Mario Jumps on the Baldwagon; Berry right behind

April 22, 2009

Following in the footsteps of his R&B peer Cassie, “Braid My Hair” singer Mario did an about face this week and took the clippers down to zero:

Mario Bros.

Mario Bros.

What do you think?  Is Mario the next Britney, or just another celeb jumping on the Baldwagon?

Berrah Fawcett.

Berrah Fawcett.

Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft.  The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.

What’s the deal?  Are all these people just trying to sleep with Emma Heming?

Via Singersroom.

Statham’s Semi-Baldness Grabs Semi-Box Office

April 21, 2009
Jason needs a jump.

Jason needs a jump.

Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office.  But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds.  “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.

Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.


April 21, 2009

That’s right, that is a question mark at the end of our headline.  Why?  Because we aren’t quite sure whether Jason Statham IS Bald.

Is he or isn't he?

Is he or isn't he?

What do you call this?  Certainly he can’t walk amongst the Haired as one of them — their full languid locks are a world away from his close cropped fuzz.

Yet, said fuzz IS there, undeniably.  Sure, the average passerby might glance in Statham’s direction and see a Bald, but closer inspection reveals a fine layer of compromise surrounding his cranium.  If the S.S. ever came to take the Balds away, Statham could point at his fuzz and say “Not me, mate– I’m a Hair”.  But until then, he is perfectly happy being mistaken as a Bald and building a career off the ensuing heat.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

This is Faux Baldness, whether we like to admit it or not.  And we don’t.  Most Balds will readily admit to being huge fans of Statham and his punchy pictures.  And clearly he’s been happy to ride our fandom all the way to the bank.  But though his films have brought joy to Balds everywhere and in a subconscious way we have taken him under our wing as one of our own (at least in comparison to Haired action stars like Tom Cruise), we must face the truth and admit that Jason Statham is neither Hair nor there.  It is clear he sees himself as a badass Bald like Michael Chiklis or the Bimp.  But despite his dreams of Bimpness, something prevents him from grabbing the razor and going all the way.

There is a term for this kind of person.

Jason Statham is a WannaBald.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

The best we here at the Bald Wall can offer him is an HDM:  an honorable dishonorable mention.  Yes, he has brought us some added toughness in the mind of the public, and yes, his successes reflect well on all of us, but that reflection is not coming off of a clear, shiny scalp — instead, it is a reflection tainted and refracted in a weird distorted “Natural Born Killers” way by a myriad of patchy Hairs so tiny and yet so clearly vital to their owner’s self-image.  No matter how much we welcome him into our arms, Jason Statham will always keep one foot in the Haired society he came from.


A country of clingers.

Just as his country desperately clung to its colonies long after the world knew that its empire had crumbled, Jason Statham clings to the little Hair he has left for no other reason than he can’t.  Let.  Go.

Our only hope is that the math catches up to him:  if he compares the box office for his latest film “Crank” (#6) with the box office two weeks ago of True Bald Vin Diesel’s “Fast And Furious” (#1), maybe he’ll see that if you want the big bucks — the Daddy Warbucks — you can’t Half-Assie Baldness.  Winners go down to the skin, plain and simple.  Until he learns that lesson, Jason Statham will continue to languish in his unique, limbo position of 2nd place stardom — the world’s biggest b-movie star.

(And that’s a lowercase “b”, mind you.)

Who are you really fighting, Jason?

Who are you really fighting, Jason?


April 12, 2009

Well, well, well. Vin Diesel’s got the #1 movie in the country, Bruce Willis has a Victoria’s Secret model wearing his ring, Bald is being declared “cool” in the papers, and all of a sudden everybody’s breaking out the clippers in a race to the bandwagon.  Case in point:

Some shallow-end pussy shit.

Her better half.

What?  You don’t recognize her?  Why, that’s pretty-girl-who-wants-to-be-a-singer-and-an-actress-and-a-princess Cassie, who decided to try and catch some of that current Bald Heat for herself…  but apparently thought she could get away with just a little on the side.

Nah, sister.  No matter what your Haired Svengali Puff Diddy thinks, you can’t just sample Bald.  You want to sell albums, you go all the way. Otherwise, you’re trying to play both sides of the court, and let’s face it:  you’re no Michael Jordan.

Via TMZ.

How To Be A Player.

How To Be A Player.

34 (That’s not to say we’re above posting a gallery of her.)

Vice President Biden puts Baldness in the spotlight

April 6, 2009
Hair to the throne.

Hair to the throne.

Vice President of the United States Joe Biden yesterday scored some laughs at Balds’ expense with a self-depreciating gag on his wispy white Hair:

Pointing to [Announcer Jim] Palmer’s scalp, the V.P. blurted out: “If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.” Removing his cap, Biden added: “You know… Look, there ain’t a whole lot there.”



See the video with your own eyes here (the “laughs” start at 1:45).

If Vice President Biden wants to put the spotlight on Baldness and its role in American politics, there’s no better place to start than with his own illustrious career.

Growing into office.

Growing into office.

Joe Biden became a Senator in 1973 and first ran for President in 1988 at the height of ’80’s era Baldism.  After a resounding defeat in the primaries, it is apparent that Biden drew the same conclusion from his loss that he joked about yesterday:

“If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.”

What happened next is not entirely known, a puzzle that can only be partly pieced together from archival footage and inside-the-Beltway hearsay.  What we do know is this:

That’s right.  Somehow, over a two-decade period while the country was occupied with taxes, blowjobs, and Iraq, Joe Biden went from this:





to this:

“Unbelievable” barely scratches the surface of this follicle feat.  Was it a miraculous reptile-like regeneration of lost cells?  Or a cynical ploy to pull the Hair over voters’ eyes?  Only Joe knows fo’ sho’.

But one thing is for certain:  the Side-Haired Senator who lost a Presidential campaign twenty years ago now sits comfortably in the Executive Branch — a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the land — with a head full of Hair and a lot of questions to answer.

Megan Fox Shaves Her Head BALD!

April 1, 2009
Jennifer's Baldy.

Jennifer's Baldy.

Who’s that girl?

None other than sultry “Transformers 2” actress Megan Fox, who revealed her newly bald pate last night at the premiere for Seth Rogen laffer “Observe And Report“.

The sexy siren shaved her head for an upcoming role in Fox 2000’s remake of “Alien Nation“.  The original 1988 science fiction film about a family of aliens trying to adapt to earthly suburban life was a smart allegory about racism and sexism, and spawned an acclaimed television series which only ran for one season but has since become a cult classic.  In the new film, Fox will play alien Susan Francisco, a “Newcomer” who lobbies for the right to vote.

And speaking of newcomers…  welcome to the club, Megan!



paloma_jimenez_jr_20080606*Click here to see Vin Diesel‘s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!


*Click here for Bruce Willis‘s Victoria’s Secret vixen Emma Heming!

34 *Click here for half-assed head-shaver Cassie Ventura!


March 31, 2009
The most powerful Bald of all.

The most powerful Bald of all.

Dr. Manhattan, of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ seminal 1986 graphic novel “Watchmen”, stands alone as perhaps the most powerful Bald in the history of all fiction (though some might disagree).

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

Hair today, Jon tomorrow.

When a scientific experiment goes awry, physicist Jon Osterman is transformed into a blue-skinned enigma with unfathomable control over every cell, atom, and particle in the known universe (the accident also takes his hair, a common DC trope).  The newly Bald Jon is immediately contracted by the United States government and given the name Doctor Manhattan.  He proceeds to carry out any and every order given to him by his Haired superiors, including wiping out indigenous Vietnamese soldiers with a mere point of his quantum-powered finger.  But his social life suffers the same fate:  Jon’s radically-altered perception of life is impossible for his friends and lovers to relate to.   Try as he might, his great abilities are unable to prevent every relationship he ever cherished from falling apart as a result of his “unexpected change”.

Many of us can relate.

It's not easy being Bald.

It's not easy being Bald.

Dr. Manhattan’s story in “Watchmen” centers around his increasing isolation and gradual withdrawal from the rest of human society as he comes to realize more and more how irrevocably different he is from everyone around him.  Whether it was Moore’s intention or not, the tale of Dr. Manhattan is an obvious parable for the Bald Experience in America in the ’80’s.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

The abominable Sy Sperling, 1986.

It was in the ’80’s that anti-Bald technology blossomed and led to the creation of a lucrative industry.  Surgeon William Rassman pioneered the use of micrograft hair transplants, and founded the hate group New Hair Institute.  Entreprenuer Sy Sperling introduced his even more successful Hair Club For Men to the world, with its famous slogan “I’m not just the president, I’m also a client,” featuring photos documenting Sperling’s own transformation from undesirable Bald to eligible Haired ladykiller.  Hundreds more companies sprung up in their wake.  With some 35 million Bald or balding men in America alone, there was clearly a fortune to be made.

The only problem:  in order to sell their many hair restoration products, companies like Hair Club For Men and NHI would have to convince the populace at large that being Bald was bad.   Awful, in fact.  A disease that needed to be cured.

Consumed by ’80’s era greed, they embarked on a remorseless marketing campaign that would forever affect the Bald community’s standing in the social structure, with hate-filled ads like this one:

The result:  their products flew off the shelves.  Entreprenuers like Sperling became millionaires overnight.  And a generation of Bald men became walking pariahs, wasting the best years of their lives pouring their hard earned money into a variety of different snake oils, or trading their dignity for a lousy toupee  (It’s no mistake that Moore’s Dr. Manhattan is depicted as flaccid and unable to please women sexually).

The Moore Code.

Moore's Code.

With such power and influence at their fingertips, these newly crowned titans of the Hair Restoration industry could shut down anybody who tried to challenge the Anti-Bald narrative they so efficiently concocted and weaved through 1980’s culture.  That Moore was able to hide such a damning indictment of them in the pages of the bestselling graphic novel of all time is just another testament to his unmatched brilliance…  and another layer to examine in his most unforgettable and tragic creation, Dr. Manhattan — the God who wasn’t Haired.


January 6, 2009

It may seem odd that only the third Bald to ever be discussed on our site is a fictional character born in 1940 in tri-color pointilism on newsprint, rather than a living breathing human being.  Thus is the awful, lasting significance and influence of Lex Luthor, a man whose legacy has been so destructive, whose shadow has spread so darkly over the second half of the 20th Century and beyond, bringing pain and suffering to Balds everywhere, that he can conceivably be seen as the Bald Hitler.

Lex Luthor, 1979

Lex Luthor addressing the Legion of Doom, 1979

Lex Luthor is a master supervillain, arguably the epitome of the Criminal Mastermind (Bald or otherwise) archetype that has permeated fiction since the days of Iago and Richard II.  As the arch-nemesis of DC Comics’ Superman — the uber-handsome idealized American male — Luthor is known the world-over for being two things:   the EXACT POLAR OPPOSITE of everything a man wants to be, and Bald.

luthor-1As if this combination wasn’t unfortunate enough, there is a much deeper and darker level to Luthor’s evil, something exhibiting true hatred for our people, a hatred that, through lifelong cultural osmosis, we have likely taken up against ourselves to degrees we’re unable (or unwilling) to admit.

Luthor is the worst criminal there could ever be, the Baddest Guy amongst Bad Guys, the villain all the other villains elected to lead of the Legion of Doom. And why, you ask?  Why would this clearly brilliant man, this unrivaled inventor, dedicate his unparalleled scientific mind and his vast financial fortune towards a lifetime of impractical aggression and periodic incarceration for no personal gain whatsoever save the sociopathic satisfaction of destroying the world, humanity, and everything that is good?

Why, it’s obvious:  because he is Bald.


When We Were Haired.

That’s right.  Lex Luthor was actually once Superboy’s best pal.  They did science projects together, they might have even had a little thing going for a minute here and there, but they were unquestionably bros.  Such bros that when curious young Lex’s latest experiment went bad and started a huge fire in his basement laboratory,  Superboy flew in to save the day and pummeled the flames right out with the gale-wind force of his mighty super-breath.  There was collateral damage, however.  In the act of trying to save his friend, Superboy’s super-breath unknowingly blew off all of Luthor’s hair.

Who can blame him.

Who can blame him.

From this, it was a straight line to supervillainy.  No further explanation was needed for friendly Lex’s change in demeanor.  If someone made you Bald — even it was your best-est friend and they did it by accident amidst the greater act of saving you from a burning building — you’d want to kill them so bad that you would become Lex Luthor, the most infatigible cretin of 20th Century fiction.

Hackman's tastefully crafted image.

Gene Half-ass.

And if this stain on our history wasn’t dark enough, along came Gene Hackman to play Luthor in the 1978 “Superman” movie.  Although a respected actor known for his versatility and willingness to adopt unflattering appearances (“The Conversation”, “Scarecrow”) in selfless service of a meaty role, Hackman drew the line at tackling that single most irredeemable thespian sacrifice:  being Bald.  He compromised and wore a bald cap for just long enough to establish himself as the internationally-recognized character from the comics.  But as soon as the celluloid Lex Luthor breaks out of jail, the first thing he does is put on a toupee that will never leave his head for the remaining three movies (save the occasional swim or prison stretch).  For what else does a Bald Man dream of, but Hair?  Even if imprisoned, his peers’ shared fantasies of freedom are matched in their unquenchable need by his desire for productive hair follicles.

And don’t even mention the forgettable version phoned in by Kevin Spacey in Bryan Singer’s inanimate “Thuperman Returns”, in which we learn that a Bald villain is a villain so unsubstantial to our hero as to not even require defeat.

The ramifications of Lex Luthor’s Baldness have carved a thousand little Lindsay Lohan cuts into the wrists of every Bald man walking the earth today whether he consciously knows it or not.  Whereas the thickly raven-Haired Kal-El soars through the skies as the penultimate alpha male aspiration, the Hairless and piggish Lex Luthor is the Bald receptacle of our species’ most loathed self-images, perpetually hunching over his heartless control boards, cursing the world, in need of extravagant armor to counter his frail physical impotence, obsessively collecting every material possession he can in a futile effort to compensate for the one lone thing he truly ever wanted but can never have:      his hair back.


Bald Man's Burden.

Could the most influential Bald of the 20th Century be its most despised villain?  These are the questions that will keep Bald historians awake for a millenia of nights to come.


NOTE:  Lex Luthor is but one of many Bald Criminal Masterminds in popular fiction.


December 20, 2008

Before we can celebrate Baldness, we must first discuss Fred Durst.  In many ways, he is a mirror for all Bald men — at least, for the ones who don’t like the reflection staring back at them.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Durst at the peak of his fame.

Surprisingly, Fred Durst always seemed more ashamed of his Baldness than of his years spent rap-singing as the cargo-shorted frontman of Limp Bizkit.  The former tattoo artist should have been able to employ his inking talents towards rocking out his Baldness (see Mike Tyson) the way he rocked out crowds of rapists at Woodstock ’99.   Instead, he cowardly hid his receding hairline under countless backwards red caps well into his late thirties.  When plunging sales forced him to switch things up and try out a radical sans hat video (the self-directed, allegedly-sexy “Behind Blue Eyes” featuring Halle Berry), nu-metal fans’ hunches were confirmed:  Durst had yet to accept the inevitable and break out the razor.  There he was, still desperately clinging to any remaining patches and tufts he could bleach.   Like its predecessors, the video was met with universal scorn, and Limp Bizkit’s fanbase moved on to Balder pastures.  Meanwhile, the tattoo skills that could have saved him all along were wasted drawing iconic Haired artists on his chest (blonde Kurt Cobain, pompadoured Elvis Presley), as if their rich, full locks would somehow compensate for his lack thereof.

A beard is not hair.

A beard is not hair.

Today, forced to hang his hat and admit the truth, Fred Durst’s sad proto-Baldness conveys an admission of defeat rather than the proud statement of defiance one would expect from the man who wrote “My Way (or the Highway)” and “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)”.  It is certain that an unhealthy percentage of his quiet moments are spent modeling a red backwards cap in a forever-mirror and trying to remember the good ol’ days when this combination was found attractive by such luminaries as Christina Aguilera.  Perhaps if he had embraced his Baldness from the beginning, his current look would not be such an obstacle to maintaining a level of self-esteem appropriate for a retired nu-metal performer.  Alas, he fought his fate and lost.  Fred Durst is not a good role model for the modern Bald man.  Fortunately there are others who can point the way.