SPLIT ENDS: In a Panic, Statham Agrees to “The Mechanic”

April 22, 2009
Original.

Winner's "Mechanic".

Poser.

Wigger's "Mechanic"?

If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this:  desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”.  In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.

Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:

Real good choice, Hairywood.  In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round:  has he learned his lesson?  Will he finally trim down?  Or totally wig out?

The Bald’s in your court, Mr. Statham.

From ComingSoon.


Statham’s Semi-Baldness Grabs Semi-Box Office

April 21, 2009
Jason needs a jump.

Jason needs a jump.

Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office.  But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds.  “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.

Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.


THE BALD WALL: JASON STATHAM?

April 21, 2009

That’s right, that is a question mark at the end of our headline.  Why?  Because we aren’t quite sure whether Jason Statham IS Bald.

Is he or isn't he?

Is he or isn't he?

What do you call this?  Certainly he can’t walk amongst the Haired as one of them — their full languid locks are a world away from his close cropped fuzz.

Yet, said fuzz IS there, undeniably.  Sure, the average passerby might glance in Statham’s direction and see a Bald, but closer inspection reveals a fine layer of compromise surrounding his cranium.  If the S.S. ever came to take the Balds away, Statham could point at his fuzz and say “Not me, mate– I’m a Hair”.  But until then, he is perfectly happy being mistaken as a Bald and building a career off the ensuing heat.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

On the razor's edge of Baldness.

This is Faux Baldness, whether we like to admit it or not.  And we don’t.  Most Balds will readily admit to being huge fans of Statham and his punchy pictures.  And clearly he’s been happy to ride our fandom all the way to the bank.  But though his films have brought joy to Balds everywhere and in a subconscious way we have taken him under our wing as one of our own (at least in comparison to Haired action stars like Tom Cruise), we must face the truth and admit that Jason Statham is neither Hair nor there.  It is clear he sees himself as a badass Bald like Michael Chiklis or the Bimp.  But despite his dreams of Bimpness, something prevents him from grabbing the razor and going all the way.

There is a term for this kind of person.

Jason Statham is a WannaBald.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

Sorry, Statham -- it's a wash.

The best we here at the Bald Wall can offer him is an HDM:  an honorable dishonorable mention.  Yes, he has brought us some added toughness in the mind of the public, and yes, his successes reflect well on all of us, but that reflection is not coming off of a clear, shiny scalp — instead, it is a reflection tainted and refracted in a weird distorted “Natural Born Killers” way by a myriad of patchy Hairs so tiny and yet so clearly vital to their owner’s self-image.  No matter how much we welcome him into our arms, Jason Statham will always keep one foot in the Haired society he came from.

Clingers.

A country of clingers.

Just as his country desperately clung to its colonies long after the world knew that its empire had crumbled, Jason Statham clings to the little Hair he has left for no other reason than he can’t.  Let.  Go.

Our only hope is that the math catches up to him:  if he compares the box office for his latest film “Crank” (#6) with the box office two weeks ago of True Bald Vin Diesel’s “Fast And Furious” (#1), maybe he’ll see that if you want the big bucks — the Daddy Warbucks — you can’t Half-Assie Baldness.  Winners go down to the skin, plain and simple.  Until he learns that lesson, Jason Statham will continue to languish in his unique, limbo position of 2nd place stardom — the world’s biggest b-movie star.

(And that’s a lowercase “b”, mind you.)

Who are you really fighting, Jason?

Who are you really fighting, Jason?