It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red. Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way. After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!
Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING: may make your Hairs stand on end):
The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story. In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers! Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes! You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!
This Bald don't run.
UPDATE:
Off with our heads?
After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously? Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!). Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.
Is The Bald Wall going to have to revokeanother member this week? We were never exactly fans of Joe the Plumber, but the guy had a good head on his shoulders (aesthetically-speaking). But after this interview with Hair-rag Christianity Today, we might have to put said head on the chopping block. Via Huff Post:
Christianity Today: In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?
Buncha flags...
Wurzelbacher: At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary–it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do–what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.
As much as it pains us to remove such an honest-to-Bald melon from our list, this is not The Bigot Wall. Yet is Joe the Plumber, a clear fool, truly the responsible party here? Or is the larger organization interviewing him the true culprit responsible for shaping his beliefs?
Beards.
Upon closer examination, Christianity is one of the most Hair-centric religions of all. Every major character, from Jesus to Moses to Abraham, has long locks and full beards. There’s even a hero, Samson, whose power comes entirely from his Hair!
In fact, the only major Bald in the Bible just so happens to be its darkest, most fiendish creation. The epitome of evil, like a bronze-age Lex Luthor. The arch-nemesis of every Holier-than-thou Hair who ever picked up a staff and led the Jews to some slaughter or another.
Thus, a fitting solution worthy of Solomon. Joe the Plumber stays on The Bald Wall (albeit with a strongly dishonorable mention). And from now on, he’ll be sharing space with the cellmate he so rightfully deserves:
Fringe’s Mysterious “Observer” Furthers Myth of Bald Evil and All Around Creepiness
Bald Spotters might have noticed that Michael Cerveris, who plays “Fringe”‘s very own version of “The X-Files”‘ Cigarette Smoking Man as the Bald and otherwordly Observer, has been making the rounds on TV lately. Fox has strategically placed him in the audience of “American Idol” and various sports events (everything from a Yankees game to a NASCAR race) to help bolster interest in the show.
But at what expense?
Now “Fringe” has seen fit to hint that there are even more of these Bald figures who will begin popping up on the show. A recent episode featured a child Observer even creepier than Cerveris.
What joys do we have to look forward to next? Pacey fighting an army of all-powerful, world-conquering Balds?
The abyss stares back, Cerveris.
Whether these Observers end up being forces of evil or impartial supernatural figures has yet to be seen. Either way, this is sure to have a negative impact on Balds everywhere, branding us once again as outsiders — weird, alien-like “others”. Can Jim Crow laws be far behind? (On the bright side, no more long hairs floating in the water fountain!)
Already any Bald unfortunate enough to step into the vicinity of a Fox viewer has likely suffered the indignity of hearing, “Hey, you look just like that creepy guy on “Fringe!” from a hapless Hair.
That more of us will suffer this same fate is as certain as the fact that none of us will wake up tomorrow with bedhead.
Michael Cerveris, you’ve done a disservice to all Balds. You traded our scalps to Rupert Murdoch for thirty pieces of silver and a walk-on in the new Orlando Jones movie. In the immortal words of Billy Zane (a real Bald), “I hope you enjoy your time together!”
First Democrat Joe Biden made some jokes at our expense. Now the Gay Old Pervs are getting in on the fun. Seems one Ohio Repub is in hot water for comparing a Bald pic of switch-hitter Arlen Spector with an equally Bald pic of Dr. Evil. Quick… what’s funnier than Bald jokes? Cancer jokes!
CINCINNATI (AP) — An Ohio Republican leader is being criticized for a blog post that used a photo of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, bald from chemotherapy, and one of the hairless Dr. Evil from the “Austin Powers” movies.
The photos drew charges of insensitivity from Tim Burke, the Democratic chairman in Hamilton County… He sent a news release Wednesday with the headline “Republican Party Ridicules Cancer Patient.” Specter has battled Hodgkin’s disease.
[Hamilton County GOP Chairman] Alex Triantafilou …said Burke needed to “lighten up.”
The Republicans have never been big fans of minorities, and Balds are no exception. But, as in many cases, they reached their nadir with former president George W. Bush, who never met a Bald he didn’t immediately proceed to noogie:
Bald auteur Steven Soderbergh premiered his new film “The Girlfriend Experience” at the Tribeca Film Festival yesterday:
The scripted movie, which tells the story of a $2000/hour call girl juggling a boyfriend and professional demands, features porn star Sasha Grey in the leading role.
Despite the casting, Soderbergh’s film supposedly has no sex and minimal nudity.
The new Bald muse.
But don’t let the movie’s purported lack of skin fool you: Soderbergh’s Bald credentials are as solid as ever. His new ingenue isn’t just some porn star he randomly plucked out of the jizz biz; she’s an existentialist film-buff and a former flame of Bald Waller Billy Corgan. In the words of Kurupt, “And then I’m through with it, there’s nothing else to do with it. Pass it to the homie, now you hit it.”
This film just moved up 50 points on the Bald radar. Watch the preview below, and visit the Huffington Post for more pics.
Will you be laying down your money for this “Girlfriend Experience”?
As the world awaits the birth of a purrrrfectly pretty new Bald (with both an Academy Award and a Razzie to her name), we here at The Bald Wall will keep you up to date on the Last Days of Halle’s Hair.
The Last Days Of Halle Hairy
Truth be told, Halle is practically an honorary Bald already. Not only did she star in Fred Durst’s “Behind Blue Eyes” video (as Durst’s love interest — now that’s acting!), it was her film with Bruce Willis that led to him selecting meeting his bimptastic new wife (and yes, there was that John Travolta “Swordfish” movie if you’re keeping count).
If you ask us, it’s high-time Halle joined our ranks for real. But we like how she’s stretching it out for maximum anticipation — this is one actress who knows how to milk a moment.
If “Crank 2” didn’t give you enough Bald for your buck, you won’t like the sound of this: desperate to retool his gears after dropping a box-office lemon, Jason Statham just signed on to a remake of Michael Winner’s Hair-heavy 1972 actioneer “The Mechanic”. In it, he’ll take on the flip-haired character originally played by the legendary Charles Bronson.
Watch this video of Bronson’s Hair in action, and tell us this role wouldn’t be more fitting for “Crank”-conqueror Zac Efron instead:
Real good choice, Hairywood. In any event, it remains to be seen how the Wannabald will handle his head this go round: has he learned his lesson? Will he finally trim down? Or totally wig out?
Speaking of Baldwagon, stay tuned for Halle Berry’s upcoming stunt sacrifice to her craft. The “Catwoman” star is promoting her plans to go extensionless for her new movie “Nappily Ever After”.
Balds everywhere hoped that Jason Statham‘s “Crank: High Voltage” would repeat the numbers Vin Diesel’s “Fast and Furious” did a few weekends ago and keep Balds on top of the box office. But alas, that Bald movie magic apparently does not carry over to Wannabalds. “Crank” opened at #6 with a measly $6.5 million, soundly defeated by the Hairricane of Zac Efron’s “17 Again”.
Statham can take little comfort in the fact that “Crank” at least opened at #1 in Germany — that country has always had an affinity for Balds, though not the kind the biggest b-movie star in the world would want to be associated with.
ABC’s “Samantha Who?” is trading out one Bald for another. The inappropriately monikered “Hit-man” Timothy Olyphant has been replaced by the slightly-Balder and significantly-bimper Billy Zane. Will Haired viewers even notice the difference?
It takes courage for a woman to shave her head, even when it’s for a lucrative role in a movie– courage that Cameron Diaz apparently didn’t have. She’s attracting buzz for appearing Bald in the trailer for the new movie My Sister’s Keeper. But relax, Cameron’s just Trippin, she’s only shaving a Bald cap, and didn’t actually go Bald for the part . Thus, Cammie squanders her last chance of being taken seriously as an actress.
Pop a cap on her ass.
My Sister’s Keeper is sure to be a weeper and possible Oscar bait. Let’s look at the facts– Little Miss SunshineAbigail Breslin stars as a child genetically engineered by her parents to save her cancer stricken older sister, played by newcomer Sofia Vassilieva, the true Bald heroine of the pic. Breslin and Vassielieva were cast as the Keeper-sisters after wunderkind actress Dakota Fanning refused to go Bald for the part (or to let her up and coming younger sister Elle Fanning share the spotlight with the titular role).
Sofia Vassilieva: Baldly Going Where Cameron Wouldn't Dare
But that’s when Sofia Vassilieva seized her opportunity to go for Oscar gold and prove that there’s a new wunderkind on the block. She said, ” There are scripts when you fall so much in love with your character. And if you are lucky and offered this part you should not tempt your fate and go to the greatest extent to be/to play this character. If you have an opportunity to do that and you do not, it’s shameful. Shaving my head was the least I could do for Kate to experience the degree of her isolation and outcast from a ‘normal’ healthy life. Playing Kate was like balancing between two realities.”
Vin Diesel better watch his rearview, because coming up fast behind him is fellow Bald Wall Bruiser Iron Mike Tyson with his own movie, the creatively-named “Tyson”. Tyson’s long career has had its share of ups and rape sentences, but now in middle-age and comfortably Bald, the former champ has apparently mellowed to such a degree that he was able to sit down with LA Weekly long enough to do an in-depth interview without biting anyone’s ear off. Check it out:
Wanna be the Smashing Pumpkins’ new drummer? Turns out Bald frontman Billy Corgan has over time alienated his former bandmates to the point that he is now the only remaining member in the band, despite his very-public begging for their companionship (maybe it had something to do with his tequila problem?).
Nobody wants to play with me.
No matter — Corgan is taking his case to the public and launching an American Idol-style search for the lucky percussionist who will become his new drummer/ indentured dumb-costume-wearer! If you’re in Los Angeles, email background information, photos and videos to pumpkinsdrummer@gmail.com and you could be invited to saunter over to an undisclosed L.A. location tomorrow to perform for His Hairless himself!
Break a leg!
This could be you.
P.S. If you don’t make the cut, we hear this Bald Rocker lost his band members, too…
Unfortunately, this fellow falls in the Bald Sinners category. Excited to be making an appearance on MSNBC, Jon Najarian decided to sport a formal upswept hair-don’t. He’s a co-founder of the blog OpinionMonster.com (I’m not sure that’s the right link–if it is, his blog is almost as bad as his Bald-style).
Hopefully, Jon tivo-ed his television appearance, and upon watching it will realize that he needs to shave off that Star Trek meets David Crosby he’s rocking in the back. Please, Jon Najarian… go Bald.
UPDATE: Wait a minute, this is Najarian’s real blog OPTIONmonster.com. MSNBC’s caption was hilariously wrong, and the real link is a gem because I found Jon’s almost identically Bald brother Pete.
Expert Insights-- Into Everything Except The Hair On Our Heads
Yes, that’s Smashing Pumpkins whiner Billy Corgan with miniature myspace minx Tila Tequila on the red carpet last night. Short or not, she’s quite a step up from the first celebrity gal he squired, and another proud notch in the belt for our favorite Bald Rock Star (sorry, fellas).
That bastion of Baldism Ny Mag has a page dedicated to identifying the Bald bankers behind the bottomless bailout (because we all look the same to you, right?).
This broad-brush painting of Balds as wealthy white collar villains pulling the strings of society is a long-standing meme in fiction as well as journalism. It’s not going away any time soon, but at least we can console ourselves with some of the cunningly cool characters created in its wake:
Pitt, 45, and Portman, 28, have been cast in [the] new romantic comedy in which he will play an aging photographer and she a New York Times food columnist, Variety reports.
Is it just us, or is Hollywood pulling out all the stops to make this film seem as boring as humanly possible? The awful title, the banal jobs… Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that Pitt and Portman will go Haired for their roles. Snooooooze.
Boooorrrrriiiiing.
Ah well, there’s always hope for the Unrated dvd release… that is, if they can fit an extra word on the box cover.
Vice President of the United States Joe Biden yesterday scored some laughs at Balds’ expense with a self-depreciating gag on his wispy white Hair:
Pointing to [Announcer Jim] Palmer’s scalp, the V.P. blurted out: “If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.” Removing his cap, Biden added: “You know… Look, there ain’t a whole lot there.”
Basebald?
See the video with your own eyes here (the “laughs” start at 1:45).
If Vice President Biden wants to put the spotlight on Baldness and its role in American politics, there’s no better place to start than with his own illustrious career.
Growing into office.
Joe Biden became a Senator in 1973 and first ran for President in 1988 at the height of ’80’s era Baldism. After a resounding defeat in the primaries, it is apparent that Biden drew the same conclusion from his loss that he joked about yesterday:
“If I had this guy’s Hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries.”
What happened next is not entirely known, a puzzle that can only be partly pieced together from archival footage and inside-the-Beltway hearsay. What we do know is this:
That’s right. Somehow, over a two-decade period while the country was occupied with taxes, blowjobs, and Iraq, Joe Biden went from this:
1988
2008
to this:
“Unbelievable” barely scratches the surface of this follicle feat. Was it a miraculous reptile-like regeneration of lost cells? Or a cynical ploy to pull the Hair over voters’ eyes? Only Joe knows fo’ sho’.
But one thing is for certain: the Side-Haired Senator who lost a Presidential campaign twenty years ago now sits comfortably in the Executive Branch — a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the land — with a head full of Hair and a lot of questions to answer.
Alpha-Bald Bruce Willis (a.k.a. The Bimp) was honored this weekend with the Sonoma International Film Festival’s Lifetime Achievement Award for his roles in Bald classics like “Pulp Fiction”, “12 Monkeys”, and “Live Free or Die Haired”.
Baldsploitation.
"So I'm thinking about shaving it off for Fight Club..." "Do it, kid."
It was also the Bimp’s first public appearance with Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming since the two tied the knot — and as usual, the nubile newlywed was looking hot enough to put sweat on your scalp!
Dig this interview with President Obama’s new Special Advisor on Environmental Quality Van Jones. The founder of Green For All and bestselling author of 2008’s “The Green Collar Economy” is helping to shape the Administration’s climate and energy policies.
Jones believes that saving the environment and saving the job market could go hand-in-hand. He also knows that a thick head of Hair attracts heat, and does his part to battle global warming by reflecting the sun’s rays back into the atmosphere with his shiny Bald pate.
Beauty contest winner and reigning Miss Virginia Tara Wheeler has vowed to shave her head if she can raise $500,000 for pediatric cancer research. But so far Wheeler’s take is still in the 5-digits, and the deadline is less than a week away.
…if Wheeler falls short, she vows to shave her head anyway — she’ll just wait until she’s finished her reign this summer. “Society needs to take a second look at how we deem someone pretty,” she said, explaining why she was drawn to the St. Baldrick’s Foundation.
All of Hollywood is pulling their Hair out today trying to figure out how “Fast And Furious” made a record-smashing $72 million over the weekend. But we here at the Bald Wall weren’t surprised at all. When you look at these other record-breaking debuts, a pattern clearly emerges:
“xXx” – $46 million
“Live Free or Die Hard” – $48.3 million (most successful “Die Hard” in the series)
“Superman Returns” – $53.5 million
“Watchmen” – $55.2 million
“The Mummy Returns” – $70.1 million
“Austin Powers in Goldmember” – $73 million
‘I Am Legend” – $77.2 million (highest December opening weekend ever)
“The Matrix Reloaded” – $91.8 million (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)
“X-Men: The Last Stand” – $107 million (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)
Get the message, Hairywood. Bald puts butts in the seats. Better start expanding theaters for Crank 2 while you can.
And a hard-earned standing ovation to Bald Wall member Vinny D!!!
Click here to see Vin’s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!
In a blatant case of Baldism, the Hollywood producers behind “The Time Traveler’s Wife” have delayed production on their movie until star Eric Bana grows an acceptable head of Hair.
Says Haired co-star Rachel McAdams:
“Eric was the hold-up. He had to shave his head for a different role, for Star Trek, I think. So we were waiting on Eric’s Hair,” she told Sci Fi Wire.
None other than sultry “Transformers 2” actress Megan Fox, who revealed her newly bald pate last night at the premiere for Seth Rogen laffer “Observe And Report“.
The sexy siren shaved her head for an upcoming role in Fox 2000’s remake of “Alien Nation“. The original 1988 science fiction film about a family of aliens trying to adapt to earthly suburban life was a smart allegory about racism and sexism, and spawned an acclaimed television series which only ran for one season but has since become a cult classic. In the new film, Fox will play alien Susan Francisco, a “Newcomer” who lobbies for the right to vote.
And speaking of newcomers… welcome to the club, Megan!
UPDATE: APRIL FOOLS!
ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES:
*Click here to see Vin Diesel‘s vivacious wife Paloma Jimenez!
*Click here for Bruce Willis‘s Victoria’s Secret vixen Emma Heming!
BRUCE Willis, 54, and his new wife, Emma Heming, 30, didn’t meet through friends, as his pals have insisted in fact, the superstar actor hand-picked her as a perfect stranger.
Emma Heming.
An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”
At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.
Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”
The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.
Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.
Wow.
Alpha Bald doesn’t even do this man justice anymore.
Big Bimpin'.
Name a Haired man (that doesn’t start with the prefix “Al-“) who can order up a bevy of bodacious beauties to be paraded before him for his choosing like this. Not since Imhotep has any Bald weilded such commanding authority in the pursuit of his lustful whims. Bruce Willis may not be the most powerful Bald in the universe, but when it comes to the opposite sex, this groundbreaking Baldbanger is blazing trails few Balds have ever traveled.
Thus the invention of a new term is in order: Bimp. Definition? Bald Pimp. Synonym? Bruce f&%kin’ Willis.
For all that has been written about the Republican Party’s gaffe-prone new chairman Michael Steele, there is one thing no other publication has yet pointed out: his Side Hair.
For those not in the know, Side Hair means you are not Bald. Side Hair is what keeps Haired men from joining the Bald ranks with self-esteem and confidence. Instead, they grip to their fading Haired lifestyle until the bitter end, no matter how pitiful and aesthetically unpleasant they look in the process.
Director/Side Hair enthusiast Ron Howard
Side hair is a culturally accepted norm in our society, which is quite strange if you think about it. Men with side hair run corporations, Wall Street, and even government. But their undue respect, and the power that comes with it, is simply a result of prejudices left over from previous generations. Prejudices that have yet to be entirely stamped out. Prejudices that teach our young men that side hair is still better than no hair at all.
Is it? Is it, Ron Howard?
If there’s anything the Bald Wall stands firmly against — in neverending, unwavering opposition — it’s Side Hair. A Bald man with side hair is like a Black Republican: a confused anomaly ashamed of who he is, desperately trying to stay in a club that crossed his name off the list a long time ago. He tries to ride the line and play both sides of the court (Bald on top, Haired on the sides! A little something for everybody!). It never works, and only burnishes his image as a weakling afraid to make to stand. He is easily shifted by the slightest wind, chasing popular trends in an attempt to gain credibility, forever seeking to please everybody at once… and inevitably loses his own soul in the process.
A message for those of you with Side Hair: Either go big or go home. GOP Chairmen cannot be fence-sitters, Michael Steele. Shave it all off, accept who you are, and who knows: you might find the Republican Party suddenly attracting female fans like it hasn’t since the days of Ike.
Fred Durst is known for constantly reminiscing on the early 2000’s with a glisten in his eye. In this week’s People, Durst recalls with fondness his 2003 affair with fellow Bald Britney Spears:
“I look back on it as very interesting (in terms of) how things have been sort of unraveling for her since. (But) it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. (Still) I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now. …I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her.”
Bravo to Britney for breaking that taboo (and this one, too). Haired women should never be made to feel odd for having relationships with Bald men, and as our culture becomes more enlightened, these relationships are becoming more commonplace and accepted.
Yes, Britney could have chosen a less-mocked Bald for her foray into hair-free hedonism, but no one has ever tagged the “If You Seek Amy” singer as an arbiter of taste. Durst is a passable example of the Bald Bad Boy archetype that few Haired women can resist. It’s telling that her experience with Baldbanging left such an impression on Britney that she herself embraced the lifestyle soon afterwards. As they say, “Once you go Bald…”
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Gather.com just declared Colin Farrell the “Hottest Irishman” (after several rounds of drinks, one imagines). Though the Bald Wall can’t comment one way or another, we must admit that you’d have to be blind not to marvel at such a curvaceous cranium.
Cool article at Newsarama describes the SFX innovations that went into creating the most photo-realistic animated Bald character to grace the silver screen since Gollum:
The unfortunate Joe the Plumber is back in the news with an obligatory 80%-off-at-Costco book in which he goes flipmode and trashes presidential runner-up John McCain. Joe the Plumber is a bad look for us, a Bald in the vein of Fred Durst whose oversized ego (three collage frames?) and embarassing self-delusions of profundity help perpetuate the “Bald As Dimwit” meme. But from a purely aesthetic view, he rocks a tough, “G.I. Joe toy” Bald that is fairly classic.
Posted by Balderdash 
THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!
“The Mummy Returns” – $70.1 million
“Austin Powers in Goldmember” – $73 million
‘I Am Legend” – $77.2 million (highest December opening weekend ever)
“The Matrix Reloaded” – $91.8 million (biggest debut ever for an R-rated film)
“X-Men: The Last Stand” – $107 million (largest Memorial Day weekend opening ever)
The Bald Wall 
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