FREE BOWE! Bald Held Hostage by Hairy Beards

July 20, 2009
Haired Hatemongers.

Haired Hatemongers.

It gets no Hairier than the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where the average 12-year-old already has a beard that would make Santa turn red.  Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, a Bald U.S. soldier serving his country in the far east, found this out the hard way.  After wandering too far into enemy territory, he was captured and is now being held hostage at the whims of Haired madmen!

Watch the terrible Taliban video below (WARNING:  may make your Hairs stand on end):

The Bald Wall will keep you updated on Bergdahl’s story.  In the meantime, keep Bowe in your thoughts and prayers!  Let’s show these Hairs that Balds will never bow down before their grimy beards and assuredly unshaven ’70’s bushes!  You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!

This Bald don't run.

This Bald don't run.

UPDATE:

Off with our heads?

Off with our heads?

After their much-heralded Joe The Plumber character failed to earn John McCain the presidency, who could have guessed that the GOP would turn against Balds so venomously?  Republican and Haired Fox News analyst Ralph Peters is on TV calling for the Taliban to EXECUTE Bergdahl (!).  Apparently in Peters’ eyes, a head with no Hair isn’t worth the neck it’s attached to.

Via Raw Story.


The Saddest Bald Story of 2009 So Far

May 29, 2009
Really?  REALLY?

Really? REALLY?

There is nothing more indicative of Bald Shame than this “Dear Prudence” letter on Slate today, entitled, “My husband thinks I don’t know he wears a hairpiece”.  Read it and weep:

As we lay in bed one night, I noticed what looked like hairspray or gel buildup on his hairline. He was fast asleep, so I went to scratch it off, and what I thought was gel turned out to be the tape of his toupee! Here he had been wearing a toupee all this time, and I never had the faintest idea.

Sigh.

Go ahead, have a laugh.


Bald Benjamins

May 14, 2009

tebe_interesno at live journal decided to see how the great men featured on our currency would look if they decided to go Bald. 

I cannot tell a lie-- He looks good.

I cannot tell a lie-- He looks good.

two

Shave and a haircut, 2 bits.

 

Now imagine how good it would look with the stovetop hat.

Now imagine how hot that would look with the stovetop hat.

 

Maybe if Hamilton had shaved his head, he would have been president.

Maybe if Hamilton had shaved his head, he would have been president.

It's all about the Benjamin.

It's all about the Benjamin.


EMMSCLUSIVE: Video of Emma Heming @ Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

May 6, 2009

-"Hello?"  -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

-"Hello?" -"Yippee ki yay, motherf@^&er."

When Alpha Bald Bruce Willis picked Emma Heming out of a casting call on “Perfect Stranger” and married her out of nowhere in a whirlwind romance, few had even heard of the young lingerie model.  Media outlets scrambled for pictures of the Bald-loving beauty.

But when it comes to anything in the Willisphere, no one beats The Bald Wall to the punch.  We’ve unearthed a brief clip of the bride-to-be practicing her walk down the aisle in the 2001 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Brace yourself… for the Bimpress:

Run Emma Run.

Emma gaaawd.

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*Click here for more Emma Heming!


BALD SPOT: The Bimp & Bimpress Arrive at the Ball

May 6, 2009
Bounce light.

Bounce light.

SPOTTEDThe Bimp and his bethrothed arrive for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala in New York, looking positively Emmaculate!

The Head carpet treatment.

The Head carpet treatment.


Hollywood Hot for Bald Bruce

May 6, 2009
Boogie Bald.

Boogie Bald.

Has there ever been a better time to be Bruce Willis?  For some reason everyone from the Hollywood trades to the NY gossip mags decided to just spend some ink today raving about how awesome he is.  From THR:

A Star Is Shorn.

A Star Is Shorn.

Action stars may lose their currency as they move into their 50s. But Bruce Willis keeps on raking in the offers.

The star, who turned 54 last month, has been in discussions to shoot and fight his way through three action pics — a thriller for NuImage/Millenium titled “Inventory,” the CIA tale “Red” for Summit and the mob biopic “Scarpa” for Morgan Creek.

And NY Daily News says Willis has reached his “golden age”.  We must agree.  Though his long storied career has occasionally found him in some Hairy situations, His Baldness has come out on top, seemingly shaving the years off like so much scalp fuzz.

NEWS FLASH:  It’s good to be The Bimp.



The Bimp Browse

May 5, 2009
bimp-browse

That's not a Rumer.

Despite Bimp Bruce Willis‘s recent nuptials to the stunning Emma Heming, The Bimp himself was caught sneaking a peek at young starlet Kate Bosworth at an event on Monday.  Of course, Bosworth’s battled with the Bald and lost before in the stinker Superman Returns.

But who can blame the Bimp for browsing– he’s Bald, not blind!

——

UPDATE: Not the first time!

Mercury Rising...

Mercury Rising...

Striking Distance.

Striking Distance.